Thursday, April 13, 2006

Two for one

Another lunchtime post. Another rant about what's wrong with me. I have come to a conclusion about myself. There are two Anitas for the price of one. I'd say it's a pretty good deal, but the combination may be a little too much to deal with.

Anita #1: Wants to be successful. Is extremely proud of all accomplishments and wants to go as far as possible in chosen career path. This Anita is ambitious and driven to work hard and to be respected as a professional. Wants to go to graduate school as soon as possible and eventually become a professor. Wants to be an author. Wants to work with teenage girls, encouraging them and making sure they know that they are beautiful and valuable, and that it is not their purpose to be someone's trophy, that they can have their own lives and accomplishments. Wants to save the planet and feed the hungry. Wants to live a life filled with meaning and real purpose, whether that means being single for the rest of it or not. Doesn't need a man, but knows life would be nice with one around. Would like to get married and have a child, but this is not a top priority. Wants to be in love, but isn't willing to compromise everything for it.

Anita #2: Wants nothing more than to get married and have at least one child, but really wants to have more. Wants to have a family to take care of. Wants to work, but also wants to have plenty of time to spend with family.

Okay, so before you say anything, it's obvious which Anita wins the argument. Anita #1 is much more healthy and interesting. Right now, Anita #2 is putting doubts in Anita #1's head about whether or not she can live the life she wants with a man, and keeps telling her that she doesn't want to live life without one. Is it impossible to have both? Can a woman really have independent ambitions, goals, purpose, and life with a man? I think so. I really hope so, because I'm not willing to compromise what Anita #1 wants. But I look at my sister's kids and I think how great it would be to have one. (is this what they mean when they talk about the biological clock? I mean, it's not ticking yet, because I know I'm not ready for a child, but I feel certain that will change in the next few years, and it scares me a little that I may not find the right person by then) I hate to keep coming back to it, but I am almost 30. What if I work hard for the next ten years and then wake up 40, depressed, alone, and wishing I had spent my 20's and 30's doing what my mom did when she was my age? (which was staying at home with her two infants) What if? I'm not willing to compromise, so what if I have to just deal with the consequences of that? I guess I'll know in ten years. Sometimes I hate being a woman.

So anyway, 2 Anitas for the price of 1. I wonder if there is anyone out there crazy enough to take the whole package. As is. No warranty.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for the comment, Devon. I know what you said is true, but sometimes I need to be reminded. And normally it's not even an issue. Normally I don't care about this stuff all that much, and I'm perfectly happy being single. But recent events have made me question things in my life. And I am coming to terms with some things about what I want and what I don't want. And I know that what I don't want is to be in a relationship just to be in a relationship. It's something I knew all along, but I needed to be reminded.