A Star Wars Birthday Party

We had Nicholas's first birthday party last month, and it was so much fun to put together!  When we found out the release date of the new Star Wars movie was on his actual birthday, we had to choose Star Wars as his party theme, even though we had the actual party a couple of days later.  Here are some of the things we did, in case anyone wants to use these ideas for their own Star Wars birthday party!  I'll be doing a separate post on how to make the awesome R2-D2 cake.

So picture time! 

The table.  R2-D2 cake, food with Star Wars puns, and a decorating kit I bought at Party City.

We love themed food!  These two were Jon's idea. Shards of Alderaan and Hoth Chocolate.  Our location-themed items.

We made light sabers with pretzel rods and candy melts.  We also made some themed candy with molds from ThinkGeek.

A close-up of the candy from the ThinkGeek candy molds.  There are chocolate ones and colored vanilla ones.

No Star Wars party is complete without the Princess - and no party is complete without Lay's potato chips.  ;)

Fruit kabobs!  I think Obi-Wan would approve of these.  Nathan helped us skewer the fruit. He's obsessed with kabobs.

Darth Veggies!  This was me cheating because I didn't have time to cut up a bunch of veggies.  Enter the convenient veggie tray!  I was going to put them in my own tray so at least they would look nicer, but we ran out of time.

Smash cake.  I made this using two small ramekins, so it has two layers.  It's the perfect size for a smash cake.  The Vader head on top was from a Pez dispenser that Nathan had previously destroyed, so I repurposed it.  The candle is his light saber.

A taller shot of the party table.  I purchased all the decorations from Party City, including plates, napkins, the decoration kit with the storm trooper and BB-8, and a TIE fighter that we hung up on the other side of the aquarium, as well as balloons.  I usually like to make my own decorations, but these were great, and so much easier!

Here's his birthday sign.  I made it in Photoshop and had it printed at Wal-Mart's Photo center.  We then mounted it on a piece of foam board from Hobby Lobby.  We have one for each of our boys.  I'm going to hang them on their wall one day.

A closer look at R2-D2.  It took many hours to complete and I cried a little when they cut into it.

Star Wars is a great theme for a party!  Have you done a Star Wars birthday party?  I want to see yours!  Link in the comments and I'll check it out!

Oh, and a final picture...

He loved his cake.  :)

Dear Nicholas (Your Birth Story)

A video is worth a thousand words.  I have nothing else to say.  Let's let the images tell the story.  :)

Dear Nicholas (Third Trimester)

Dear Nicholas,

Hi there, little guy!  It's your mommy.  I know I haven't done these for you like I did for your brother before he was born and I'm sorry.  Blame him - he is keeping me very busy these days!  But know that I love you both and am very excited to meet you!

You are 28 weeks along right now.  That's the beginning of the last trimester of pregnancy.  You move around a lot now, especially after I've had something to eat or drink.  You're not getting the hiccups all the time like your brother did - thank you for that!  ;)  Pregnancy is a very different experience each time - I've heard this my entire life, but never realized quite what it meant until I got pregnant with you.  Even the process of getting pregnant was different, as we had to get some medical intervention to make it happen.  But we wanted you, and we were willing to do whatever we had to do to make sure we could have you.  When you get here, we will feel like our family is complete.  And that's something very special.

Let's see... what will you want to know later?  People always ask about cravings during pregnancy.  I have had a few very specific cravings with you - nothing strange, just really specific.  Like the day I really wanted ice cream.  It had to be vanilla with hot fudge sauce.  And about once a week, pasta is the word of the day.  Toward the beginning of the pregnancy, about three mornings a week I wanted a sausage, egg, and cheese croissant from Burger King.  The drive-through lady got to know me pretty well!  Now, I pretty much just want to eat everything anyone mentions.  So a coworker said "cheesecake" earlier today and now I really want some cheesecake!  It's a very interesting thing.

You like music, or at least you seem to.  I love to sing along to the radio or my iPod in the car and at work, and you really become active when I do that.  And the other night, when I was singing to big brother before bed and he started singing along, you liked that too.   You react to the dogs barking too - don't worry, they are not scary and you will love them.  Nathan already enjoys playing fetch with them and I know you will too.  I'm guessing each of you will develop a relationship with one of the dogs, so that one will become "yours."  Nathan seems to be really close to Kaylee right now, but we will see what happens after you get here.

We are looking forward to meeting you!  For now, just stay safe in there and keep growing.

All My Love,

Mommy

The Red Shoes (and Nicholas)

I've had a couple of people ask me why I want to name Nicholas after a friend.  I guess maybe it does seem a little odd, unless you know the entire story.  Then you understand that she was (at least) indirectly responsible for our entire relationship.  Add that to her inspiring life, her faith, the way she unconditionally loved everyone she ever met, and the way she fought to the very end to live her life as fully and as completely as possible, I could think of nobody better to name my son after.  She affected my life in more ways than I can count, and I have taken on the responsibility of living a life that will reflect her legacy.  

But the story you want to hear is this one: The Story of The Red Shoes. 

I was feeling pretty unsure about things with Jon at first.  Not about how I felt about him - after meeting online and talking as long as we did before actually meeting, I knew he was someone I really wanted to get to know.  But I was really not sure how he felt about me.  He was so shy that he never even tried to hold my hand, so I was convinced he didn't like me.  I talked with Nicole about it because I knew she was great with people - she just seemed to have an insight about people and their feelings, even if they had never met - and she told me if I wasn't comfortable making the first move, I should just buy new shoes.  Red ones.  And wear them on a date.  She said something she often said "people remember red."  And she also reminded me that he wouldn't have been asking me out so much if he didn't like me.  Which, of course, made perfect sense, but I wasn't thinking clearly at the time!  

So I made a big deal of buying new shoes for our date.  I posted on Facebook that I was on a quest for the perfect shoes, and then when I bought them I said "I Found Them."  That night, Jon took me to see A Midsummer Nights Dream at Theatre 98.  He held my hand for the first time, helping me walk down the stairs during intermission.  We had a romantic walk on the beach after the play and then he took me home.  And he kissed me goodnight.  

I wasn't unsure anymore after that.  :)  I'm pretty sure that was the night I fell in love with him.  (awwwww... sappy)

When I asked Jon later why he kissed me that night, he said something along the lines of, "I knew you liked me because you bought new shoes for our date."  I think later when he saw how many pairs of shoes I had, he probably changed his mind on that, but nevertheless, Nicole's plan totally worked.  I remember calling her the next day to tell her about the goodnight kiss and she was so excited.  She said "red shoes work every time," and laughed that musical, infectious laugh that we all loved so much.

So even if it may have happened eventually, it happened that night because of the red shoes.  

I can't even wear them anymore because my feet are swollen, but I still have them.  I actually tried to squeeze my feet into them for Nicole's Celebration of Life service, but they were just too small.  I hope when Nicholas is born, my feet go back to their normal size so I can wear them again, but even if they don't, I will never get rid of them.  They mean too much to me.

It's A...

We let Nathan announce the sex of the new baby to our family.  He cared more about the balloons than he did about the baby brother.  ;)

Finally!

Nathan got to make the announcement this time!

The end of treatment

We are not going back to the doctor.  I know it seems crazy to stop after only one month, but it's the decision we have made and I believe it was the right one.  There are a few reasons for this.

1. Bedside manner. He did not keep me informed about things I needed or wanted to know, such as my progesterone level after my very first blood test - I didn't know that until after I asked several times. And even then, he said it was 5 on cycle day 25, which indicated my ovulating was "lousy." When I asked for more detail, he didn't give it to me. And then he gave me some really basic details about how everything works in a really condescending tone, as if I hadn't done any research and didn't realize how pregnancy occurs.  AND when he asked me about my c-section, he interrupted me two seconds into my answer and then never came back to it.

2. He really made me angry by telling me how old I was repeatedly in what I believe was a high-pressure tactic designed to get me to do IUI on the first cycle of Clomid, 

3. The treatment was too much pressure for us and was affecting our relationship 

4. The expense of it is just way too high. 

5. The treatment and monitoring was awful.  Medication side effects, transvaginal ultrasounds twice a month, the pain those caused... I don't want it badly enough to put myself through all that right now.  I may change my mind one day, and I still have a few years before this is a dire situation, so for now I'm saying "that's enough."

6. We already have a child and don't need to struggle for another one. So we decided that if it happens, it happens and if it doesn't, we have a beautiful sweet boy and our family is complete.

So even though the sun is setting on this phase of our lives, I am hopeful.  Hopeful that things will work out they way they are supposed to, not the way I try to force them to.  I've decided to give the entire situation to God and say "if you want us to have another child, you're going to have to make that happen," and for now, I'm going to enjoy life and focus on what matters to me right now.  The family I have.  The son I love - who is quite enough to deal with at the moment anyway!

Positive OPK! Yay!

Yes, this is a positive!  So I should ovulate either tomorrow or the next day!  I've never had such a dark positive before.  So all the times I thought I was ovulating, I guess I really wasn't.  The doctor did say my progesterone last cycle was 5 on CD 25 of my last cycle, which is, as he put it, "lousy."  So there's that.  But look at this test!  The top one is from yesterday and the bottom one is from this afternoon.  There can be no doubt about this result.  I'm super excited to see this.  It means something is going right after all.  :)

Follicles, CM, and Ovulation - Oh My! (CD 15)

Appointment this morning sucked.  He found two follicles, one was 14 and one was 16. He said they were not as big as he would like, so he wants to look at them again tomorrow. But the big problem was the CM. He looked at it under a microscope and said the sperm were just sitting there, not able to move at all. It's too thick. And at this point, he said there isn't really anything we can do to make it thin enough to make it count for this cycle, as I should ovulate really soon. He wants to do an IUI. - in two days. I'm going to be honest - I'm having a panic attack about this. We were going to do three medicated cycles before talking about any kind of procedure, and now I'm scared to do that because he said time was not on our side.

And add to that the fact that he said my left ovary is actually stuck under my uterus. He had a really hard time finding it on ultrasound because it wasn't where it was supposed to be. Scar tissue from the c-section, probably.

It is difficult for me to explain just how much I hate this.  The ultrasound was very painful, for some reason.  Probably because he was searching in there for the missing ovary for such a long time.  He asked me a question about my c-section (whether or not it was rushed) and then cut me off before I could answer him.  We never got back to that subject.  I'm beginning to feel like maybe this is not the doctor for us.  Another thing is, he kept doing the ultrasound when the nurse left the room to prepare the slide of CM so he could check out the sperm.  I was very uncomfortable with it just being me and him in the room without anyone else there.

Rather than going straight for IUI without any preparation time, we have decided to wait and see if anything happens this cycle.  I did a bunch of research and found that drinking lots of water, avoiding dairy and limiting caffeine can help thin CM, so I did that all day and it really did seem to help!  I'm not putting a huge amount of faith in this cycle, but I'm not giving up hope yet either.

This afternoon, I had a faint line on my OPK.  I'm hoping this means I'll have a very good line by tomorrow.  If I can get a positive result tomorrow, that means I'll ovulate either Wednesday or Thursday.  That gives me a few more days to hopefully sort out the CM problem.

So not the best appointment and I'm still a little iffy about this doctor because of it, but there's still hope.  There were two good follicles and a few more that were too small - that means the Clomid did work.  Now it's up to timing and God.  Please, God - let this happen so that I don't have to go through any more of this.  

Clomid Cycle #1

It's my first cycle of Clomid.  I have two days left to take it.  2 out of 5.  I hope it is working.  The Metformin still isn't giving me any terrible side effects, thank God.  I have had a few odd side effects from the Clomid (hot flashes and being very emotional for no reason once) but other than that it has been okay.  I guess side effects are good - maybe they mean the medicine is working?  Fingers crossed for a good, strong ovulation this month!  :)

We're only doing three cycles this way.  If I'm ovulating using the medication and am still not pregnant at the end of three cycles, we are going to "look into other options."  For us, that pretty much means we are finished.  There is no way we can afford any of the other options.  :(  So you can see that there is a lot hinging on these next three months.

Cycle Day 1: Let's DO This.

Today is the day.  Cycle Day 1.  I will be calling tomorrow morning to make the Cycle Day 5 ultrasound appointment.  That will be Friday.  Good grief, this happened quickly!  It actually came several days early, which I am totally okay with, because I wanted to get this party started.  ;)

I started on the Metformin on Saturday evening and have not experienced any alarming side effects.  In fact, the only thing I have noticed so far is that I'm super thirsty.  That's actually a good thing, since I'm so terrible about drinking enough water, so I'm just keeping a cup of water by me at all times, just like I did when I was pregnant.

Clomid starts at Cycle Day 5.  Mucinex starts after that - I think it's Day 10 or something.  I bought some new prenatal vitamins to take too - a different kind than I had been taking.  Hopefully all of this will make a difference.

Things have been so stressful lately, it's no wonder my body is all out of sorts.  Trying and failing every single month, work stress, family stress, all the stuff with Nathan's head CT... it's enough to make anybody's body just say "stop."  I'm really hoping and praying that this will give me the jump start I need to get pregnant.

I'm going back to temping this month - just to see what happens.  I may just have to post my charts here.

Most of what I'm doing here is so that hopefully if someone else is going through this, she can read and see what is happening with someone else.  But also, to have a record of this journey.  If we are able to successfully get pregnant and have a baby from this, he or she may want to hear the story of their creation at some point.  Not the graphic details, of course, but what we went through to make it happen.  And if it is a daughter and she happens to have the same issues, maybe my experience can give her some insight.

Or maybe nobody but me will ever read this.  And that's okay too.  :)

Medicated Cycle #1: The beginning

So here's the verdict.  I'm not ovulating.  I got the call from the doctor's office today.  The nurse didn't tell me my progesterone level, but she did say it was negative for ovulation and that the doctor's plan of attack included three medications: Metformin, Clomifene, and Mucinex.  I'll be picking up the medications tomorrow morning and will be starting the Metformin that evening.  It appears that he is suspecting PCOS, which makes perfect sense when I read all the symptoms and indicators.  Who knew, right?  I don't know for sure, but I'm betting that's what's going on, especially with the Metformin on board.  So we're starting our first medicated cycle in about a week, whenever Day 1 happens to be.  On Day 5, I will start the Clomifene, which is basically Clomid.  Also on Day 5 or 6, he wants to do an ultrasound.  Hopefully we can see what's going on in there.  Because I believe in full disclosure so that maybe someone else can benefit from my experience, I'll be documenting this journey here.  Hopefully it will be a very, very short one.  

After 9 months of trying without success, knowing why we have not been successful is a relief.  But it is also frustrating.  I should have contacted the doctor sooner.  They say six months if you are over 35, but I wanted to wait.  I could already be pregnant by now!  But everything happens in the time it is supposed to happen, and I'm not going to question it too much.  For now, we have a plan and that gives me hope.

Progesterone Test

I hate needles.  Pretty much more than anything in the world.  But this morning I willingly went in to get punctured for a progesterone test.  This is supposed to tell the fertility specialist if I ovulated this month.  Which is great to know, but if it turns out that I did and I'm still not pregnant, what exactly do we get from this insight?  Oh right, more testing.  I'm most nervous about the next step.  If the test shows I did ovulate, he mentioned checking my tubes for blockages, which means a hysterosalpingogram.  Everything I've read about these makes them sound painful, uncomfortable and expensive.  And with all of this not being covered by our insurance, I really don't know about spending so much money.  The bright side of today - usually people have a really hard time sticking me.  It takes forever and they bruise my arms until I look like a heroin addict.   But not this lady.  She popped the needle right in there and was like "hey, we are done."  Not even a bruise on this arm!  Just a tiny red dot where the needle went in.

Results tomorrow.  I'm not sure if I'm hoping for ovulated or did not ovulate at this point.  Did not ovulate would certainly be easier to fix.

Infertility

No official diagnosis yet, but the diagnosis on my lab sheet is pretty clear.  I knew it would be the case, but still, seeing it written out like that is kind of a shock.  I mean, it didn't take any time at all for us to conceive Nathan.  First month we tried!!  But this time, 9 cycles in and nothing but negative tests, I guess something happened between then and now.  Age is probably the biggest factor.  I'm almost back down to pre-pregnancy weight, so that shouldn't be an issue.  Or something bad happened during my c-section that we just don't know about.  That's the possibility that scares me the most.

I went to see a fertility specialist today.  Is it a "fertility specialist" or an "infertility specialist"?  I can't ever figure out which one it should be.  I guess it's both.  I spent the entire day completely nervous and anxious.  The only thing that kept me from going completely crazy with anxiety was knowing Jon and all the ladies from my October 2012 birth club "The Pumpkin Patch" were there with me in spirit.  Knowing some of the ladies had been through the exact same thing before really helped because they were able to reassure me and make me feel better about the upcoming appointment.

I had to fill out a ton of paperwork, and honestly remembering some of the stuff they asked about was difficult at that moment.  I really don't remember exactly when I had my tonsils out - I know it was like 12 years ago! When they took my blood pressure, it was high.  It's not normally high, but I was so anxious.  But there was really no reason to be nervous.  The staff members all were very welcoming and gentle.    The nurse who asked me the initial questions and took my vital signs was very pleasant and helped put me at ease.  We talked about the weather and seasonal allergies, and she asked about Nathan.  We talked about having a toddler for a few minutes.  Even though she didn't specifically say it, I could tell she was a mom, just by the way she talked about toddlers and they way they are.  That actually put me at ease a bit too, oddly enough.

So then she led me into a room and asked me to wait for a minute to see the doctor.  He was in very quickly, probably in a minute or two.  We sat down and talked together about a lot of things, previous history, history before having Nathan, what's been happening since I had him, any issues I may have been experiencing, all that.  He looked at my charts quickly and saw what cycle day I was on, and then asked if we had "taken advantage of the current fertile period" within the last 48 hours.  I thought that was a pretty funny way to refer to it.  When I said yes, he said "perfect, I can check to see how things look."

We moved to an actual exam room and he did an exam, during which he extracted fluid from the cervix for analysis.  He said the fluid looked very good, actually the word he used was "beautiful."  And he checked some other stuff as well, making a joke that there was one uterus and two ovaries, so that was good.  He said everything checked out well there.  I got dressed and he came back after analyzing the fluid and he said there were "plenty of healthy sperm" in it, so there's no issue there.  He told me we needed to "take advantage of another fertile day" and then started talking about lab tests.  He wrote up a slip for a progesterone test - a blood test - for 10 days from the appointment.  So I have to go in for a blood test on March 6 to make sure I did, in fact, ovulate this cycle.  He said either I would be pregnant or we would start looking at other tests at that point.

He said if I didn't get pregnant this time, he wanted to get a look at my tubes, to make sure nothing happened to them during the c-section.  Which, of course, is a great fear of mine.

So that was the end of my consultation.  It was not covered under our insurance, so the cost for that brief encounter and the tests was $250 out of pocket.  I have dubbed one of my credit cards "the 2.0 card" and that's all I'm going to use it for until I get pregnant or it maxes out.  It sucks to be adding to credit cards when we are working so hard to pay credit cards off, but I do want to use a card for this, since it will be easier to keep track of our expenses related to it this way.  Plus, I'm actually planning to pay off as much as I can each month so it shouldn't ever max out unless we end up doing a procedure that costs a lot all at once.

Do I feel better?  I actually do.  This visit was the first step, and it will open up some doors for us that were not open before.  If we need treatment, this doctor can do it.  And I liked the doctor a lot.  He was very reassuring.  He did mention my weight, and when I told him I was working very hard on that, he said "good for you."

Did I want to have 2.0 the old fashioned way?  Of course!  Getting pregnant that way is free!  But I would love to have a "made by love and science" baby if that's the way it has to be.  Either way, it's a baby.  Either way, Nathan gets a sibling.  And either way, our family will be complete.  Otherwise, we are going to have to get another dog.  ;)

Testing...

I have an appointment with a fertility specialist next Monday.  I'm so nervous about this.  It's a consult, and I guess he will decide when to do tests and what tests to do based on our initial visit.  I don't have any idea what to expect, honestly.  I'm on the verge of freaking out about it.  I keep thinking that maybe something went wrong with my c-section or post-op and that's why we haven't been able to get pregnant again.  And maybe we never will be able to.  And that really scares me.  And I'm afraid he will tell me to lose weight before he will help me.  I know I need to, I have really been trying, but it has been very slow.  I don't want to have to wait another six months (while I try to lose weight) to start treatment if that is what we will need to do.

I guess I'm being impatient, but I'm old!  It's pretty hard not to be impatient when you read all the stats about women 37 and older not being able to have children or having children with problems.  It's enough to make anyone crazy.

So we'll see what he says.  If you haven't already guessed... the pregnancy test last month was negative.  :(

This cycle (cycle 9) I put away the fertility monitor, the ovulation predictor tests, the basal thermometer, and the charting app.  I have no idea which cycle day we are on right now and I have no idea when I'm supposed to ovulate.  We're trying something a little different.  Who knows - maybe it will work?  I know one thing, I'm feeling much more relaxed this time around than I have been the last six months or so.  Much more relaxed.

Trying to Conceive...

Usually I don't talk about this stuff on here, because... well... it's personal.  I won't be sharing this post on my usual social media channels because I don't really want to call a bunch of attention to it, but I do think it's important to put it out there in case someone else is going through it too.

Jon and I have been trying for another baby for 8 months.  It's so strange, because with Nathan, we didn't really have to try.  We were successful the first month we really tried.  So I didn't have to experience the monthly disappointment, the moments of staring at those stupid little test sticks, just praying I would see two lines.  I didn't have to cry over our inability to successfully get pregnant like I have every month for the past 8 months.  He was easy.  This has not been easy.

I know, I know... some people try for a very long time.  And really, it's supposed to take a healthy couple up to a year to be successful.  But when you're 37 and don't want to risk birth defects, every month feels like another huge chunk of sand falling from the top of the hourglass.  That biological clock is ticking HARD right now!

The emotional aspect of this has been so difficult.  Watching other ladies (who I love and am very happy for) getting pregnant, seeing their bump photos and hearing them talk about cravings, seeing their sweet newborns on facebook... it's all a little overwhelming sometimes.  I sometimes want to go on a blackout so I don't have to see it anymore, but since facebook is a big part of my job, that's not really possible.

It got really bad a few weeks ago.  Someone had just told me she was pregnant and I had just heard about several other pregnancies - and I still wasn't.  And one of our fish had baby fish in our aquarium.  I had a meltdown, threw one of Nathan's stuffed animals across the room and yelled "is everyone but me pregnant right now?"  And then burst into tears.  :(  Jon had no idea what to do with me when that happened.  He's been so sweet through all this.

We are considering going in for testing.  Me first, because of my age.  My doctor wanted to confirm ovulation in January with blood tests and an ultrasound, but I have decided to wait until we know when Jon doesn't have to travel anymore, or at least less travel than he has been doing.  He was gone a lot of the month of December and some of January.  We think his contract is up in March, so that's something we are sort of looking toward.

It's not that we don't love Nathan.  We absolutely do.  But we want a sibling for him.  Someone he can play with and love and grow up knowing that someone always has his back.  Because I know how awesome it is to have a sibling.  And I know how much he will appreciate having someone to play with and get into trouble with and all the fun stuff that goes along with having a sibling.

So this is where we are our our journey.  8 months in and waiting to see what happens.  I'm currently about a week away from being able to start testing for pregnancy for this month.  We'll see how that goes...