Monday, March 31, 2014

The end of treatment

We are not going back to the doctor.  I know it seems crazy to stop after only one month, but it's the decision we have made and I believe it was the right one.  There are a few reasons for this.

1. Bedside manner. He did not keep me informed about things I needed or wanted to know, such as my progesterone level after my very first blood test - I didn't know that until after I asked several times. And even then, he said it was 5 on cycle day 25, which indicated my ovulating was "lousy." When I asked for more detail, he didn't give it to me. And then he gave me some really basic details about how everything works in a really condescending tone, as if I hadn't done any research and didn't realize how pregnancy occurs.  AND when he asked me about my c-section, he interrupted me two seconds into my answer and then never came back to it.

2. He really made me angry by telling me how old I was repeatedly in what I believe was a high-pressure tactic designed to get me to do IUI on the first cycle of Clomid, 

3. The treatment was too much pressure for us and was affecting our relationship 

4. The expense of it is just way too high. 

5. The treatment and monitoring was awful.  Medication side effects, transvaginal ultrasounds twice a month, the pain those caused... I don't want it badly enough to put myself through all that right now.  I may change my mind one day, and I still have a few years before this is a dire situation, so for now I'm saying "that's enough."

6. We already have a child and don't need to struggle for another one. So we decided that if it happens, it happens and if it doesn't, we have a beautiful sweet boy and our family is complete.

So even though the sun is setting on this phase of our lives, I am hopeful.  Hopeful that things will work out they way they are supposed to, not the way I try to force them to.  I've decided to give the entire situation to God and say "if you want us to have another child, you're going to have to make that happen," and for now, I'm going to enjoy life and focus on what matters to me right now.  The family I have.  The son I love - who is quite enough to deal with at the moment anyway!

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Positive OPK! Yay!

Yes, this is a positive!  So I should ovulate either tomorrow or the next day!  I've never had such a dark positive before.  So all the times I thought I was ovulating, I guess I really wasn't.  The doctor did say my progesterone last cycle was 5 on CD 25 of my last cycle, which is, as he put it, "lousy."  So there's that.  But look at this test!  The top one is from yesterday and the bottom one is from this afternoon.  There can be no doubt about this result.  I'm super excited to see this.  It means something is going right after all.  :)

Monday, March 24, 2014

Follicles, CM, and Ovulation - Oh My! (CD 15)

Appointment this morning sucked.  He found two follicles, one was 14 and one was 16. He said they were not as big as he would like, so he wants to look at them again tomorrow. But the big problem was the CM. He looked at it under a microscope and said the sperm were just sitting there, not able to move at all. It's too thick. And at this point, he said there isn't really anything we can do to make it thin enough to make it count for this cycle, as I should ovulate really soon. He wants to do an IUI. - in two days. I'm going to be honest - I'm having a panic attack about this. We were going to do three medicated cycles before talking about any kind of procedure, and now I'm scared to do that because he said time was not on our side.
And add to that the fact that he said my left ovary is actually stuck under my uterus. He had a really hard time finding it on ultrasound because it wasn't where it was supposed to be. Scar tissue from the c-section, probably.

It is difficult for me to explain just how much I hate this.  The ultrasound was very painful, for some reason.  Probably because he was searching in there for the missing ovary for such a long time.  He asked me a question about my c-section (whether or not it was rushed) and then cut me off before I could answer him.  We never got back to that subject.  I'm beginning to feel like maybe this is not the doctor for us.  Another thing is, he kept doing the ultrasound when the nurse left the room to prepare the slide of CM so he could check out the sperm.  I was very uncomfortable with it just being me and him in the room without anyone else there.

Rather than going straight for IUI without any preparation time, we have decided to wait and see if anything happens this cycle.  I did a bunch of research and found that drinking lots of water, avoiding dairy and limiting caffeine can help thin CM, so I did that all day and it really did seem to help!  I'm not putting a huge amount of faith in this cycle, but I'm not giving up hope yet either.
This afternoon, I had a faint line on my OPK.  I'm hoping this means I'll have a very good line by tomorrow.  If I can get a positive result tomorrow, that means I'll ovulate either Wednesday or Thursday.  That gives me a few more days to hopefully sort out the CM problem.

So not the best appointment and I'm still a little iffy about this doctor because of it, but there's still hope.  There were two good follicles and a few more that were too small - that means the Clomid did work.  Now it's up to timing and God.  Please, God - let this happen so that I don't have to go through any more of this.  

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Dear Nathan (18 months old)

Dear Nathan,

You gave us a scare this month with the head CT and all the nervousness and fear that went with it!  But all was well in the end and you are just going to have a big head like your daddy.  :)  I'm so sorry we had to put you through that.  I know it had to be scary for you too, and I never want you to be scared or worried or sad.

You continue to be the sweetest and most amazing child in the history of the world.  Not that I'm biased or anything.  One sweet moment from this month - you started reaching up and twirling a lock of my hair around your finger as you were going to sleep.  It is truly the sweetest thing.

Your eyes haven't changed color yet - I'm thinking they are probably not going to.  Either way I would have been happy, but it's nice to know those gorgeous blues will be with us at least for awhile longer, if not forever.  You are still growing and developing exactly as you should.

Daddy and I love you very much.

With all my heart,

Monday, March 17, 2014

Clomid Cycle #1

It's my first cycle of Clomid.  I have two days left to take it.  2 out of 5.  I hope it is working.  The Metformin still isn't giving me any terrible side effects, thank God.  I have had a few odd side effects from the Clomid (hot flashes and being very emotional for no reason once) but other than that it has been okay.  I guess side effects are good - maybe they mean the medicine is working?  Fingers crossed for a good, strong ovulation this month!  :)

We're only doing three cycles this way.  If I'm ovulating using the medication and am still not pregnant at the end of three cycles, we are going to "look into other options."  For us, that pretty much means we are finished.  There is no way we can afford any of the other options.  :(  So you can see that there is a lot hinging on these next three months.

Thursday, March 13, 2014


I'm seeing that there are visitors.  Who are you?  What do you think of my humble little blog?  I would love to hear from you!

Monday, March 10, 2014

Cycle Day 1: Let's DO This.

Today is the day.  Cycle Day 1.  I will be calling tomorrow morning to make the Cycle Day 5 ultrasound appointment.  That will be Friday.  Good grief, this happened quickly!  It actually came several days early, which I am totally okay with, because I wanted to get this party started.  ;)

I started on the Metformin on Saturday evening and have not experienced any alarming side effects.  In fact, the only thing I have noticed so far is that I'm super thirsty.  That's actually a good thing, since I'm so terrible about drinking enough water, so I'm just keeping a cup of water by me at all times, just like I did when I was pregnant.

Clomid starts at Cycle Day 5.  Mucinex starts after that - I think it's Day 10 or something.  I bought some new prenatal vitamins to take too - a different kind than I had been taking.  Hopefully all of this will make a difference.

Things have been so stressful lately, it's no wonder my body is all out of sorts.  Trying and failing every single month, work stress, family stress, all the stuff with Nathan's head CT... it's enough to make anybody's body just say "stop."  I'm really hoping and praying that this will give me the jump start I need to get pregnant.

I'm going back to temping this month - just to see what happens.  I may just have to post my charts here.

Most of what I'm doing here is so that hopefully if someone else is going through this, she can read and see what is happening with someone else.  But also, to have a record of this journey.  If we are able to successfully get pregnant and have a baby from this, he or she may want to hear the story of their creation at some point.  Not the graphic details, of course, but what we went through to make it happen.  And if it is a daughter and she happens to have the same issues, maybe my experience can give her some insight.

Or maybe nobody but me will ever read this.  And that's okay too.  :)

Friday, March 07, 2014

Medicated Cycle #1: The beginning

So here's the verdict.  I'm not ovulating.  I got the call from the doctor's office today.  The nurse didn't tell me my progesterone level, but she did say it was negative for ovulation and that the doctor's plan of attack included three medications: Metformin, Clomifene, and Mucinex.  I'll be picking up the medications tomorrow morning and will be starting the Metformin that evening.  It appears that he is suspecting PCOS, which makes perfect sense when I read all the symptoms and indicators.  Who knew, right?  I don't know for sure, but I'm betting that's what's going on, especially with the Metformin on board.  So we're starting our first medicated cycle in about a week, whenever Day 1 happens to be.  On Day 5, I will start the Clomifene, which is basically Clomid.  Also on Day 5 or 6, he wants to do an ultrasound.  Hopefully we can see what's going on in there.  Because I believe in full disclosure so that maybe someone else can benefit from my experience, I'll be documenting this journey here.  Hopefully it will be a very, very short one.  

After 9 months of trying without success, knowing why we have not been successful is a relief.  But it is also frustrating.  I should have contacted the doctor sooner.  They say six months if you are over 35, but I wanted to wait.  I could already be pregnant by now!  But everything happens in the time it is supposed to happen, and I'm not going to question it too much.  For now, we have a plan and that gives me hope.

Thursday, March 06, 2014

Just A Big Head

He's fine.  Nothing but an oversized noggin.  I talked to the nurse this morning and she said there was absolutely nothing to worry about.  Thank God.  :)

Progesterone Test

I hate needles.  Pretty much more than anything in the world.  But this morning I willingly went in to get punctured for a progesterone test.  This is supposed to tell the fertility specialist if I ovulated this month.  Which is great to know, but if it turns out that I did and I'm still not pregnant, what exactly do we get from this insight?  Oh right, more testing.  I'm most nervous about the next step.  If the test shows I did ovulate, he mentioned checking my tubes for blockages, which means a hysterosalpingogram.  Everything I've read about these makes them sound painful, uncomfortable and expensive.  And with all of this not being covered by our insurance, I really don't know about spending so much money.  The bright side of today - usually people have a really hard time sticking me.  It takes forever and they bruise my arms until I look like a heroin addict.   But not this lady.  She popped the needle right in there and was like "hey, we are done."  Not even a bruise on this arm!  Just a tiny red dot where the needle went in.

Results tomorrow.  I'm not sure if I'm hoping for ovulated or did not ovulate at this point.  Did not ovulate would certainly be easier to fix.

Tuesday, March 04, 2014

Head Circumference

Nathan has to have a head CT tomorrow because the doctor said his head circumference jumped from the 75th percentile to the 97th percentile.  She also said his weight was going up too quickly.  Maybe those things indicate... um.. I don't know... growth?

I hope it's nothing. She said it was probably nothing.  But still - a head CT is nothing to play around with.  She said they were going to have to strap him down to do the test.  My poor little boy - he hates to be still.  He hates to lie down.  How is he going to handle this?

As a parent, you want to shield your child from all scary situations and protect them from harm.  But now we are going to put him through the scariest thing he's ever been through.  On purpose.  I'm having some guilt about it, but there's no way I wouldn't do it.  What if something is really wrong and we decided not to do the test?  If it was something that could be caught early and we didn't, I would truly never forgive myself.  Sometimes it just sucks to be an adult.