Birthdays

Another birthday has come and gone.  I turned 35 this month.  I won't go into all the ways that turning 35 sucks, in my opinion.  But I will mention the one that is weighing most heavily on my mind.  "Advanced Maternal Age."  If I see that phrase one more time, I may just freak out on someone.  I have wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember.  When my first marriage didn't work out, I figured it would only be a matter of time until I found the right person and we were able to settle down and start our family.  But of course, our plans don't always count for much, do they?

I did find the right person and I couldn't be happier about who he is and what he means to me.  But it took too long.  Way too long!  My divorce was final in the month before the year 2000.  It took 11 years to find Jon and for us to make our commitment to each other.  I'm glad it happened the way it did.  I'm glad he and I took our time getting to know each other and becoming friends first.  I'm so happy with our relationship - I've never loved or felt so loved this way before.  Before the wedding, we talked a lot about kids and our expectations for the future.  We both want 2 children and while a girl and a boy would be ideal, we have pretty much decided we will be happy with two healthy children.

So I started doing some research.  I had no idea that 35 was some kind of magic number when it becomes harder to have children.  I'm trying not to let it bother me, but still.... if I waited too long, I'm going to be very upset with myself.  I know... I know... having children isn't everything.  But having a family - our own family - is very important to me.  I want a little girl or boy with his eyes and my nose and his brains and my musical talent. I want to watch and experience a little person developing into the big person that he or she will be.

So that's what this year's birthday meant to me.  I was dreading it.

But you know what?  When you dread something, it can surprise you.  I had a really nice day on my birthday, and a wonderful weekend after it.  Jon was amazing.  He took me out for dinner, and he got me a sewing machine, which I've been wanting forever, and he got me roses and a cake.  And his mother and cousin took me out for dinner during the weekend.  And I had lunch with my parents.  So it was a very nice time.

So I've decided to stop researching and being obsessive.  Stress makes it harder to conceive anyway.  So when we start trying, I'm not going to stress about it.  Because that won't help at all.  :)