2016 to 2021

 I realize it's been a long time since I've posted here.  I got caught up in all sorts of things and just didn't make time for the things I used to love, like blogging.  And a lot of blogs have been abandoned over the last few years, mostly because Facebook and Twitter and Instagram are quicker and easier.  I fell into that little trap, I guess.  And the truth is, being a mom has taken up a lot of my energy.  Being a mom, helping my husband take care of his mom during her cancer treatment and subsequent health issues, working toward being healthier myself, and accomplishing other goals have taken priority and pushed writing and even reading to the back burner.  But I'm trying to revive my passion for these things and this blog is a big part of that.

But first, an update.  Yikes.  

Me
Okay, so I joined the local Y and started going to group fitness classes.  I discovered a love for them and they helped me lose 80 pounds.  I felt better than I ever remembered feeling in my entire life.  I even trained in 2019 to teach one of those classes, a mixed martial arts class set to music called Body Combat.  It was thrilling and exciting and I loved doing it.  I only got to teach for about six months and then a global pandemic hit.  2020 was truly a difficult year.  The gym closed for several months and when it opened back, only a few classes were available.  I didn't go to any of them because we decided to remain isolated due to health issues that caused several family members to be high risk for covid-19, the virus that changed the entire world.  We started virtual school in March of 2020 and are still in virtual school today.  A lot of the kids went back in August of 2020 for the next school year, but we opted to stay virtual to minimize exposure.  It was a good decision and I don't regret it for a moment.  But minimizing exposure meant staying away from crowds - especially ones that had people breathing hard while doing intense cardio.  Bye bye, teaching fitness classes.  :(  I've been in a love/hate relationship with working out at home since then.  I do love it and I'm excited that I have access to all the programs, even those my gym didn't offer, but working out at home as not as much fun and I've gained some of the weight back.  I loved the gym for the interaction with people as much as for the exercise.  I hope I can go back at some point.  I've started some new hobbies and have enjoyed them.  I got a lot more proficient in crochet and even taught a few classes at a local yarn shop, but again, covid messed that up.  I started an art journal and tried a few different types of art.  I've realized I really like painting and using oil pastels and drawing.  I'm not great at any of it yet, but maybe one day.  I may post some pictures of my art pieces here just so people can laugh.  ;) 

Faith
I've come to the realization that I've always been a progressive Christian.  I just didn't know that was actually a thing.  Over the past few years, I've found some amazing support and resources to help me grow in this faith and meet others who also feel this way.  It is freeing and wonderful and I finally feel at peace with my faith journey and how it's going.  Podcasts and Facebook groups have been so helpful here.  I've started following various people on Twitter and Facebook for their wisdom and insight.  I've realized that there are other ways to love Jesus - better ways.  I haven't been to church in several years because I haven't found one that works for me, but mostly because I feel like I need to work things out on my own first.  Some of the podcasts I've really learned from are: The Bible for Normal People, For the Love with Jen Hatmaker, Straight White American Jesus, and Evolving Faith.  I've been reading a lot, too.  I'm just trying to figure out where I stand and how American Christianity fell so far.  It has been a disappointing four years in faith and politics, and I've had to confront some things I didn't want to deal with concerning the beliefs and attitudes of people very close to me.  They call it deconstruction and reconstruction and I feel that with every fiber of my being.  But, in the midst of all the deconstruction and finding faith again, I do feel closer to God than ever.  I feel like a follower of Jesus, rather than a follower of a pastor or politician or someone else in the public eye.  Reading those red letters in my Bible and trying to understand the cultural and historical context, as well as approaching the Bible as a whole as a book about the way people have related to God historically instead of an instruction book for the way we should always relate to God has been eye opening and very life giving.  I have a long way to go, but I'm hanging in there.  

Family
Jon's mom was diagnosed with colorectal cancer and went through chemo, radiation, and surgery.  She wasn't able to drive because had begun to lose her vision.  We drove her every day.  It was brutal for her and for us, honestly.  The kids came with me when they had to, but mostly my mom watched them while I went and picked her up and took her to appointments.  Sometimes, Jon had to meet us at the doctor's office so I could sit outside with the kids while he went in with her.  She was in a wheelchair because she was too weak to walk at that point and couldn't see well.  Her decline was sharp and startling.  She needed almost constant care.  Our lives were very different for about three years.  Jon had to go over there a lot, and I did, too.  Making meals for her, getting her groceries, paying her bills, and changing her colostomy bag.  It was overwhelming for him and the stress was so, so hard.  We did our best, though, because she wanted to live a few more years so the kids would remember her.  I'm not sure those memories are really good ones, but at least they have them.  She passed away from kidney failure in November of 2020 after spending about a month in the hospital and a few weeks in hospice care.  Now Jon is dealing with all the estate stuff because she never did a will and there's a house and some medical bills to deal with.  His brother is doing nothing to help, of course, and has even accused Jon of trying to "screw him" even though Jon has now spent thousands of dollars on lawyer fees and other assorted expenses.  My fear is that he will cause trouble with the probate case.  In the meantime, we are working on cleaning out the house Jon grew up in so we can sell it.  His mom sold it to him after her diagnosis because she wanted him to have it.  It is full of "stuff" and we've already filled a large dumpster with two more rooms to go.  We've been going over there on weekends to clean and while we are seeing some results, it's a little bit daunting.  But once we are done, we have a realtor friend who is planning to help us sell the house as-is, and we can hopefully use that money to get ourselves into a better position and maybe even close in our garage so we can use that space for indoor/outdoor living space.  I have some major plans for our back yard.  Otherwise, we are doing well.  The kids are growing like weeds.  Nathan is 8 and Nicholas is 6!  I love these ages, but could do without some of the sass.  They got it from me, so I can't even be mad about it.  Going through all this together has made us all stronger as a family.  I'm grateful for that, since it could have gone the other way.  I know a lot of families are torn apart by this kind of stress, so I'm glad we are strong and still happy together.  I feel like I've aged 10 years in the last 3, and I'm sure Jon feels the same.  I'm hoping we can focus on having fun as a family this year.  That we can take back some of the lost time from the last few years and start to really enjoy each other again.  

Politics
Dumpster fire.  Since 2016, that's all it's been.  But there have been some positives.  I'm pretty fully in the progressive democrat camp now, and Jon is more progressive than I've ever seen him.  Watching his mom go through the healthcare system really changed his feelings about things like Medicare for All and other more progressive ideas.  Trump was exactly the president I knew he would be - a disaster.  And the evangelical group has become more and more like a cult for Trump than a Christian denomination.  It has been heartbreaking to watch.  I have gotten more active in politics than ever, and I honestly don't care what other people think about my political views.  I've been called names by people I thought were good, reasonable, adults.  I have had people question my Christianity and morals.  But it's okay, I know where I stand.  I feel certain Jesus would be a progressive too, since He literally turned all the religious believes of His day on their heads.  Caring for the poor, the widow, the orphan, the oppressed, the voiceless, and those who need our help is his most prominent message, and somehow evangelicals think their policies of tax cuts for the rich are "Christian"?  It baffles me and saddens me at the same time.  We are only a few days away from a new administration, and while Joe Biden is not the candidate I supported in the primary, I fully support him and intend to hold him accountable for all he has promised.  We need to move forward, not backward.  And there needs to be no room in our country for racism and racists.  

I think that's all for now.  It's been a crazy few years.  I'm sure there's more that I have forgotten, but I'll fill in those blanks later.  

Reading World Tour: Pakistan

Reading World Tour - Book 1
Country: Pakistan
Book: I Am Malala
Author: Malala Yousafzai
Genre: Nonfiction (Memoir)

This was an absolutely fascinating and inspiring story.  Malala is a strong and important voice for education (especially for girls) in her country and in the world.  She began speaking out at a very young age and was targeted by the Taliban for using her voice.  

This book begins with the shooting and then goes back in time to her birth, telling her story as only she can.  

Several things struck me while listening to the audiobook.  The first was how very different her early life was from mine, but how similar too.  The conversations and competitions between the girls at her school were very much the same.  The customs and rules were very different.  I enjoyed hearing about the everyday details of her life and her family, especially the parts that were so different.  I cannot even imaging living in such circumstances, but what really struck me were the moments of joy she found even in the difficulties.  And her determination to live and learn and dream and achieve.  What an inspiration! 

I love that she has continued her work and there is even a way that we can help with her mission, by donating to the Malala Fund. This organization helps create safe spaces for girls in northern Nigeria,  train young Pakistani women as activists and provide STEM education to Syrian refugees.

I hadn't planned on starting with Pakistan.  I didn't really have a plan.  My order will be determined by availability of books, for the most part.  I have a few on my Kindle waiting for me and some are on hold at the library.  This audiobook happened to be available to borrow on the Libby App, so I started with it.  I'm so glad I did, because I feel like it was a great place to start.  A story about a girl who stands up for education and is shot by the Taliban being the first book to read for a project that is meant to broaden one's perspective by reading books from other countries?  Perfect.  


A little bit about Malala from Wikipedia:
Malala Yousafzai (Pashto pronunciation: [məˈlaːlə jusəf ˈzəj];^[3] born 12 July 1997),^[1][3][4] often referred to mononymously as Malala, is a Pakistani activist for female education and the youngest Nobel Prize laureate.^[5] She is known for human rights advocacy, especially the education of women and children in her native Swat Valley in Khyber Pakhtunkhwa, northwest Pakistan, where the local Pakistani Taliban had at times banned girls from attending school. Her advocacy has grown into an international movement, and according to former Pakistani Prime Minister Shahid Khaqan Abbasi, she has become "the most prominent citizen" of the country.^[6]

A little information about Pakistan from Wikitravel: 
Pakistan (Urdu: پاکستان) is a large country (1.5 times the size of France) in South Asia at the crossroads of Central Asia, East Asia and South Asia. Located along the Arabian Sea, it is surrounded by Afghanistan to the west and northwest, although Tajikistan is separated by the Wakhan Corridor, Iran to the southwest and also shares maritime boundary with Oman, The Republic of India is to the east, and China to the northeast. It is strategically located astride the ancient trade routes of the Khyber and Bolan passes between the countries of South-Central Asia and rest of Southern Asia.
 

There are many other options for Pakistan, and I will likely grab a few from this list to read when I have a chance.  I've been wanting to read I Am Malala for some time now and I'm so glad I did.  I highly recommend this book.  I thoroughly enjoyed it and learned a lot from her perspective.

Word for 2021

 

My word for 2021. Embrace.

1a : to clasp in the arms : hug. b : cherish, love. 2 : encircle, enclose. 3a : to take up especially readily or gladly embrace a cause. b : to avail oneself of : welcome - embraced the opportunity to study further.

Embrace the moment

Embrace those I love (when it is safe)

Embrace life

Embrace change

Embrace challenges

Embrace truth

Embrace hope

Embrace opportunity

Embrace love

Embrace faith

Embrace the chance to help others

Embrace the chaos

Embrace my home

Embrace myself

Embrace my body

Embrace the differences between us

Embrace important causes

Embrace activism

Embrace peace

Embrace the earth

Embrace knowledge and wisdom

Embrace art

Embrace creativity

Embrace adventure

Embrace fun

Embrace joy

Embrace rest

Embrace my own weirdness

Embrace the unknown

Reading World Tour

I'm starting a new "little" project concerning books and perspectives.  It has to do with my word of the year, which I will post about later, but first I want to talk about this project because I'm super excited about it.  

Reading World Tour!  

So what is this?  What does it mean?  Well, for the next few years, I'm going to try to choose at least one book from each country in the world to read.  I'm going to focus on books by writers from each country and will choose books that are set in that country as well, or at least mostly in that country.  I want to find books that will help me broaden my awareness of different perspectives and cultures from someone who actually knows, rather than someone who did some research or whatever.  I don't have a system for choosing books or what order I plan to go in.  I do have a few books in mind for different countries, but that may change. One thing I absolutely want to do is research the country as well, so that I can learn more about each one.  I think having some background before reading will only help to understand the perspective.  There may be countries that have no books that have been translated into English.  Maybe?  If that turns out to be the case, I'll try to find something else - short stories, articles, or anything else that helps me understand the perspective of someone from that country.

I found this site for tracking, Read Around The World Challenge, but I think I'm also going to use an app I found for my phone that is really meant for which countries you've visited, but I think I'll be able to adapt it to use for my reading challenge as well.  Either way, the site above has some suggestions for books for many of the countries, which I'm sure will help.  

Any suggestions are welcome, if I still have people visiting this blog. I'm hoping to revive it with this project and some other things I'm working on.  

Check the Reading World Tour page here on the blog for updated info, reviews, and maybe even some surprises from each country/book as I finish each one.  Would you like to join me? 

Changes

Oh, how things have changed in my world.  I'm ready to start writing again, I think.  And reading.  And creating.  And being me.  

Stay tuned for some updates. 

Weight Loss Journey

About a month ago, I realized my knees were hurting constantly. They popped and creaked too. Now I know I'm only a few months from being "over the hill," but it seemed like something that shouldn't happen. I knew the problem. I've known it for quite some time. I'm overweight. No, morbidly obese. Let's not sugarcoat it. Mmmmmm... sugar.... ;)

It wasn't just the physical problems. I was feeling so depressed that I talked to my doctor about medication.  I didn't want to leave my house.  I cried randomly, for no reason. I had an extremely short fuse with the boys and with Jon.  I hated myself and my life. I wasn't sleeping well and was tired all the time as a result. Just dragging my heavy body around was exhausting. I was in literal and figurative bad shape. 

I wasn't sure how, but I knew I had to do something. I started doing research.

The best way to succeed with weight loss and fitness in general is to find something you enjoy. If you dread it, you won't do it, right? 

I found the right solution for us in our local YMCA. It actually killed several birds with one stone. Nathan had been asking me about playing with other kids. I needed a kid-free moment during the day to exercise. After more than 20 years of always having somewhere to be (a job, usually) and something on my calendar, it has been extremely difficult for me to have nothing on my calendar now that I'm a domestic goddess. Group fitness classes happen every day and there's an app that puts your chosen class on your calendar.  I'm not self-motivated when it comes to exercise. Group classes motivate me. I see the others doing it, so I do it too. The instructors are encouraging and give pointers about doing things correctly.  Lots of birds, right?

So we joined. And I packed up the kids and went to our first class. It was a Spin class, and it was fun, but wow, did my butt hurt from the bicycle seat! I was literally the largest person there. The next day, I tried Zumba. Again, the fattest person in the class. I admit, I felt deeply ashamed of myself. But the beautiful thing is, nobody looked at me with disgust or said anything rude under their breath. Everyone was encouraging and friendly.

The next day, I did BodyPump. I found out they were one day into the BodyPump 98 program, and that it would be the same routine for the next four weeks. I wasn't sure about weights, but I decided to give it a shot. It wasn't "just weights." It was weight training, cardio, and ab work all rolled into one. It hurt so much, but I stuck it out. I used 2.5 lb weights on both sides of my bar that first week. 

Since that day, I've done BodyPump on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays every week, with Zumba on Tuesdays and Pound on Thursdays.  I started with 2.5 lb weights, but Friday, the last day of BodyPump 98, I had 12.5 lbs on each side of my bar for some of the tracks, and never less than 7.5 lbs.

In just a month, I've gone from being unsure about weights to realizing they are my happy place. I've never been so "in the zone" while exercising.

And I never even picked up the medication for depression. I haven't needed it. I've felt so much better in every possible way.

I haven't changed my diet at all.  One thing at a time, right? It takes 30 days of focus to create a habit, or so I've read.  The next 30 days will focus on better eating choices. But even without changing my diet, I have some results to share. 

Still a looooong way to go.  But progress, even a little, is encouraging.  

Decluttering Challenge: Weeks 2-4

A few of the weeks didn't really apply to me, so I skipped those.  This week, for example, is all about organizing cookbooks and recipes.  I'm doing okay there, so I didn't worry too much about it.

Honestly, I'm looking forward to moving to other areas of the house.  We have spent a lot of time in the kitchen and dining room


Probably the toughest part of this challenge so far has been the plastic food storage cabinets.  They are almost always a total mess and organizing them is a daunting task.

So with a "Just Do It" attitude that would have made Nike proud, I dove in.  It took the better part of a day to figure out what should stay and what should go, and how to organize the whole thing.  I'm very happy with the results.

Other completed tasks include: organizing pantry and spice storage, cleaning out refrigerator and freezer, organizing all cabinets and drawers, and creating storage solutions for cooking utinsels.

I have really enjoyed thoroughly organizing my kitchen and dining room, and can't wait to see what's next!

A Star Wars Birthday Party

We had Nicholas's first birthday party last month, and it was so much fun to put together!  When we found out the release date of the new Star Wars movie was on his actual birthday, we had to choose Star Wars as his party theme, even though we had the actual party a couple of days later.  Here are some of the things we did, in case anyone wants to use these ideas for their own Star Wars birthday party!  I'll be doing a separate post on how to make the awesome R2-D2 cake.

So picture time! 

The table.  R2-D2 cake, food with Star Wars puns, and a decorating kit I bought at Party City.

We love themed food!  These two were Jon's idea. Shards of Alderaan and Hoth Chocolate.  Our location-themed items.

We made light sabers with pretzel rods and candy melts.  We also made some themed candy with molds from ThinkGeek.

A close-up of the candy from the ThinkGeek candy molds.  There are chocolate ones and colored vanilla ones.

No Star Wars party is complete without the Princess - and no party is complete without Lay's potato chips.  ;)

Fruit kabobs!  I think Obi-Wan would approve of these.  Nathan helped us skewer the fruit. He's obsessed with kabobs.

Darth Veggies!  This was me cheating because I didn't have time to cut up a bunch of veggies.  Enter the convenient veggie tray!  I was going to put them in my own tray so at least they would look nicer, but we ran out of time.

Smash cake.  I made this using two small ramekins, so it has two layers.  It's the perfect size for a smash cake.  The Vader head on top was from a Pez dispenser that Nathan had previously destroyed, so I repurposed it.  The candle is his light saber.

A taller shot of the party table.  I purchased all the decorations from Party City, including plates, napkins, the decoration kit with the storm trooper and BB-8, and a TIE fighter that we hung up on the other side of the aquarium, as well as balloons.  I usually like to make my own decorations, but these were great, and so much easier!

Here's his birthday sign.  I made it in Photoshop and had it printed at Wal-Mart's Photo center.  We then mounted it on a piece of foam board from Hobby Lobby.  We have one for each of our boys.  I'm going to hang them on their wall one day.

A closer look at R2-D2.  It took many hours to complete and I cried a little when they cut into it.

Star Wars is a great theme for a party!  Have you done a Star Wars birthday party?  I want to see yours!  Link in the comments and I'll check it out!

Oh, and a final picture...

He loved his cake.  :)

Decluttering Challenge: Week 1

I've committed to doing this decluttering challenge this year.  Clutter is the bane of my existence and it's starting to really affect my satisfaction with our home.  And since I'm here about 90% of my time, being dissatisfied is a BAD thing.  Enter this home organization and decluttering challenge!

I'm using the two together, as they are intended to be used, but I can see how you could just use the weekly challenges and do your own daily missions to complete the weekly challenge.  I really like the daily missions, though, because they give me something very specific to do.  For example, one day the mission was to organize the silverware drawer.  Well, we have about four drawers that could qualify because everything was just that spread out.  I did all of them that day and now I can find everything I need as soon as I need it!

This week's challenge is kitchen counters and sink.  The daily missions mostly support this goal.  Yesterday, I got started with the "organize utensils" goal and just ended up doing a couple of other daily missions at the same time.  I've never been happier with my kitchen than I am right now!

All it took for me to become a believer in this organizational and decluttering system was a few days.  I'm a convert.  I can't wait to do the rest of my house!  I threw a TON of stuff away while decluttering my countertops and silverware drawers.  Broken items, very cheap silverware I bought when I was poor (lol) and that had started to rust, and just junk that we had in drawers that we had no reason to keep.  Next week is cabinets and remaining drawers.  I can't even tell you how much of a relief it's going to be to get that done.  

I'm looking forward to keeping my kitchen this nice and neat permanently - and to making the rest of my house look just like this - organized, functional, and pretty.  :)

What about you?  How do you organize and keep things the way you like them?  It's a constant struggle here, and I would love to see how others handle it!

Dear Nathan (3 years old)

Dear Nathan,

How is this even possible?  My heart, my love, my little baby.  You are 3 years old!  Time flies when you're having fun - it's so true.  Since you came screaming into our lives, time has gone so quickly.  When I think about the last three years, I can't help thinking the next three years are going to go just as quickly.  Then you will be 6.  And then three more years and you will be 9.  It's almost too much to bear, to think of you growing up so quickly.  To think of you being 6, or 9, or 12... or 21.  It's scary and sad and exhilarating all at the same time. 

I can see pieces of the you that you are going to become - and that person is remarkable.  The way you look at me with such love.  The way you are so gentle with your brother and with the dogs.  The way your eyes and nose crinkle when you're being funny or smiling your giant cheesy smile.  Your brain is amazing.  Having conversations with you, hearing your jokes, the unbelievable comments that come out of your mouth, are some of my favorite things in the entire world. 

You are, and always will be my heart, my love, and my first baby.  The boy who made me a mother.  The sweet baby who nuzzled your face into my chest and the big, bold, boisterous boy who crawls up into my lap and lays his head on my shoulder.  And when you are 6, or 9, or 12 or whatever, I want you to know you can always come to me.  You can always trust me.  You can always tell me whatever is on your mind.  Because you are my boy.  And I am your mommy.  Today, and always. 

Happy birthday, little love. 

Slow Cooker Beef Stew

I posted this photo on my personal Facebook page a few days ago and had people asking for the recipe.  I had no idea this would happen, nor that this beef stew would be recipe-worthy, otherwise I would have put it on the blog already!  It's one of our stand-by recipes that we have at least once a month.  The leftovers are great lunches for the week and it is really delicious.  It's also super simple.

I just sauté some minced garlic in a pan, then throw the stew meat in there to brown. I use the big package that they sell at Sam's. Brown it, then throw in slow cooker with some baby carrots. Seasonings can be anything you like. McCormick makes a seasoning packet for beef stew that I used before we got married, but Jon doesn't care for it, so now I just throw some spices in there. Usually some garlic powder, Italian seasoning, salt, pepper, etc. I make sure it is covered with some sort of liquid - either beef broth or water, and put it on high for 4 hours. I then cut up half an onion and 4 small potatoes (peeled). Cook for 3 more hours on high. The stew meat is falling apart by this time. The carrots are nice and tender and so are the potatoes, without becoming mush.

I serve it with some kind of bread, usually French or Italian with butter and garlic or Italian seasoning, but even regular wheat toast works. That's what we had the night I took this picture because I forgot to buy a fresh loaf of bread, lol.

Super easy and very good.

If you try this recipe, let me know how you liked it in the comments!

Progress

So I'm just going to put this out there.  I did photos on July 1, but didn't really start trying until August.  While I still have a LOT of work to do, seeing a difference, even a slight one, makes a difference to me.  At first, I couldn't see it.  After talking to some people about the pictures and having some of the changes pointed out, I feel pretty good about it.  You see, all I can see is FAT.  But others are seeing something else.  I need to work on this blind spot so I can see and appreciate the results of hard work.

I have no idea what my starting weight was in the first pics.  I know I am down 5 pounds since August 1.  I'll take it.  And I'm going to keep it up.  120 pounds left to lose. And I am determined to do it.

FitBit Addiction

Three weeks ago, I bought a Fitbit Charge HR.  I'm addicted.  In the last three weeks, these things have happened.

- My resting heart rate has gone down from 83 bpm to 74 bpm consistently.  Resting heart rate is a good indicator of heart health and overall fitness.

- My weight has gone down 5 pounds.

- I have been intentionally physically active every day except three of those days, and those all had circumstances that were beyond my control (sick kids, sick me, etc)


- I have stayed under my calorie goal of 1600 per day every day with the exception of a couple of days.

- I have burned my goal of calories for the day, which is 1000 more than taken in, every day with the exception of the sick days.

This data is eye-opening for me and I can see exactly where my successes and failures lie.  And it's fun!  I have been known to walk in place for 30 minutes or so just to make sure I get my steps in for the day if it has been a light day for me.  Jon thinks I'm nuts.  But hey, anything to get a little exercise, right?

I can't wait to see what else happens on my Fitbit weight loss journey.

Chasing Grasshoppers

The other day, my parents and I took the boys for a walk.  Last week we talked about animals in our preschool lesson, so we decided to identify as many animals as we could on our nature walk.  Nathan's favorite were these giant black grasshoppers.  He got down as close as he could and studied them, jumping back as they jumped away.  We decided to count them, because there were so many of them around us.  On our way back to the car, he found a patch of grass where a bunch of them were resting.  He decided to chase them.  I strolled Nicholas into the shade and watched my oldest baby run around and chase the grasshoppers.  The joy in his face - the pure and beautiful in-the-momentness (did I just make up a new word/phrase?) was amazing.  And it made me think.  If I had been in a hurry, we would have missed this moment.  If I had been talking or playing on my phone, I would have missed his joy.  It is so easy to get caught up in the things we have to do every day.  And I understand the need for schedules and watches and being somewhere on time.  Sometimes you can't avoid it.  But right now, in this season of my life, the important thing is to make sure my boys feel free to chase grasshoppers.  And I need to do some of that myself.  I think we all do.

Breastfeeding Week

It's time to weigh in, and it may not be pretty.  Some people know my journey with breastfeeding was not a good one.  It was filled with difficulty and ended way too soon, when it was clear I was not producing enough milk to nourish my growing boy.  And before you say anything about how any woman can breastfeed if they really, really try.  Not true.  I did try.  I power pumped, ate lactation cookies, drank Mother's Milk tea, drank stout beer, and tried to breastfeed every hour.  I never got any more than a couple of ounces at a time on the pump, and my baby was always hungry.  And he was almost "failure to thrive."  That's when we decided to supplement.  I supplemented and breastfed for two months with Nathan and then stopped.  It was too emotionally and physically draining to keep trying at that point.  I was becoming depressed and had to go back to work, so I reluctantly breastfed my son for the last time.  I knew it was the last time, and it was hard to give it up, but I did because I felt like I had to.

Enter baby #2.  We were very successful with breastfeeding.  I exclusively fed him for two months and then started weaning because I knew I was going back to work.  But then I didn't go back to work.  My supply had already tanked and I just couldn't get it back.  So again, I fed my baby for the last time and said goodbye to that relationship.

But I kept feeding my babies.  Nathan got formula (and baby food starting at 4 months with our pediatrician's blessing) until he was a year old, and by that time he was interested only in real food, so that's what we did.  Nicholas is on formula and is enjoying baby food as well.  Nathan is an incredibly healthy, well-adjusted kid who is happy and intelligent and completely normal.  Actually, he is probably above average in intelligence, based on some of the assessments I've gotten from friends who know about these things.  Nicholas is thriving on his formula as well, and he just started crawling - at 7 months old.

I say all that to say this.  Breastfeed, bottle feed, do whatever you want, as long as it nourishes your baby.

All this competition, all these Mommy Wars, and really, shouldn't we be focused on taking care of our children - and each other?  Motherhood is hard.  It is made even harder with the constant stream of judgmental remarks, memes, articles, and everything else we see, screaming at us from our phones and computer screens.  For a moment, let's just stop and say to each other, "you're doing okay."  For a moment, let's stop judging each other and start caring for each other.  In fact - let's do that for ALL the moments.

Do I think we need a Breastfeeding Week?  Sure I do.  Here's the thing.  Women are kicked out of restaurants and stores for feeding their babies.  If my baby gets hungry in the store, I break out the bottle and nobody cares.  While some formula feeding moms face judgment and scorn for not breastfeeding, I have never heard of someone being kicked out of a restaurant for breaking out the bottle.  Or told to cover up her baby while feeding.  So yes, I think we need awareness.  And yes, I think we need laws to protect breastfeeding mothers and their babies.

But what I KNOW is that we shouldn't use these occasions to shame others.  To shame those who feel that their bodies failed them.  To tell other moms that some babies will have more success in life because they were fed a certain way.  To call formula "poison" and say that moms who feed it to their babies are giving them inferior nourishment.  To scorn someone or judge someone for feeding her baby the best way she can. 

When Jon and I had to take Nathan to the pediatric allergist, we saw a baby drinking a bottle - with Coke in it.  I hoped it was juice, but he shook the bottle and it was clearly carbonated.  That's something we can judge.  ;)

Formula is nourishment, scientifically formulated to be as close to breast milk as possible.  And my two boys have thrived on it.

Do I feel guilty?  I did at one time.  I don't anymore.  As long as my babies are healthy, and as long as they are getting the nourishment they need, that's okay with me.  I mean, Nathan does eat dog food sometimes, so I can't be too fussy about how he was fed as an infant.

So let's live and let live, Mommys!  Let's forget about our labels and our parenting styles and our controversial issues and just be moms.  And just love our kids and do the best we can for them.  That's what's important in the end anyway, not what they were fed for the first year of their life.

Whatever Happened to Being Nice?

I've seen it so much lately, and it scares me.  People being ugly, rude, and intolerant to other people.  It's almost like we can't stand each other, can't stand having another person occupy the same space we do at any given moment.  And if that other person isn't whatever ideal we hold, they are stupid, ugly, worthless, and so on. 

You see it in real life sometimes, through the jeers and sneers people direct at each other.  When a family with a small child enters a restaurant, for example, people stare at them with a look of utter disgust.  Before the child ever even opens his or her mouth!  This hasn't happened to us that I am aware of, but I have seen it happen to other people. 

But online - that's where the real abuse happens.  Facebook comments in particular have gotten so ugly.  Have you ever read the comments on a news story?  Take my advice - just don't.  It's a black hole of the worst of humanity, spewing hatred and rage about whatever they can for no reason at all other than to spew. 

Whatever happened to being nice? 

I have a theory.  If people would show respect for each other, and if people would have compassion and empathy for each other, this would solve a lot of our problems.  Most of our problems.  Shootings at movie theaters?  Wouldn't happen if the shooter had an ounce of compassion for others, or a respect for human life.  We just don't care about each other anymore.  And that's scary. 

I was with a group of friends not too long ago and someone started talking about The Purge.  And the question was asked: If you could kill anyone without repercussions, who would you kill?  No judgment to those in the room who said they had some people in their list (because I know them and I know they wouldn't actually kill anyone even if they had the chance) but I had to say nobody.  I've been mad at people, sure.  I've wished maybe some really unpleasant stomach trouble or something like that on someone when they hurt me, but would I kill someone?  NO.  Because I have respect for human life.  The only way I could see myself wanting to kill someone is if they hurt someone in my family.  And even then, I'm not sure I would be able to do it.  Unless it was in the moment that my kids or someone else I love was being threatened, then I would likely find the strength to pull the trigger.  But random violence?  Or violence toward someone who hurt my feelings?  No. 

So what did this?  How did we get this way?  How are we now in a world where people kill each other for no reason.  Gunmen walk into movie theaters with weapons and hurt or kill strangers.  Kids shoot up classmates at school.  How did we get here? 

I don't know how we got here, but I do know how we get back.  My main goal in life is to raise my boys to not be the kind of people who could ever consider shooting others just because.  (I know mental illness is a big part of this and of course, if either of them ever showed any signs of that I would get them help immediately.)  I think we, as parents, need to pay more attention.  We need to teach compassion, empathy, and respect to our children so that they will not grow up to be callous people who hurt others, whether the weapon is a keyboard or a gun.  And if they do show signs of mental illness, it is our responsibility as parents to take care of that too.  We can change society.  We just have to put in the work.  And you know what?  We need to model the behavior.  We need to show compassion, empathy and respect too.  Be an example of what kind of adult we want them to be.

Potty Training = Nightmare

Have you ever taken on a huge project, done the research, did all the tasks assigned to you, spent hours working through every step - only to have the project returned to you as if you had never even started, when you thought you were finished?

That's what potty training has been like for us.  Over and over and over.  I read the three day potty training method.  I bought charts and stickers.  I bought potty treats and an Elmo book about going to the potty.  I read books to him every night about going to the potty, encouraged him, and even established a "potty cheer" for when he would successfully go potty.  We were even able to take him out INTO THE WORLD without a diaper a few times. 

We were set.  Successful.  And nothing could stop us now. 

Until... regression.  I hate regression.  It's a cruel trick - a joke of Mother Nature.  It happens with every big, exciting child milestone.  Sleep, eating, potty training, even talking sometimes.  (we went through a period of time when Nathan started talking like a baby because of the baby, which is totally normal, but pretty irritating when your toddler usually talks in complete paragraphs!) 

But the potty training regression is pretty much the worst.  He's going on the floor again.  On the walls.  On the doors.  Everywhere but the potty. 

Any tips and tricks would be appreciated.  This mommy is at the end of her rope!

Perspectives

I actually may have written about this once before, but I wanted to do it again.  Can we talk about perspective for a moment?  More specifically, a shift in perspective and what that can do for a person.  Because I'm learning that this is pretty much the key to staying happy with life.

I'm not talking about joy - that comes from a good relationship with God.  I'm talking about being happy with life.  Genuinely happy.  Because you can have joy but still be sad.  You can have joy but still be dissatisfied.  And that's where a shift in perspective is required.

I've been struggling lately with various aspects of being a stay at home mom - especially with a toddler who wants to test everything right now.  I have joy.  I even have happiness with my life and the way it is right now.  But I find myself becoming angry easily, frustrated more often, and upset about the smallest things.  A shift in perspective is required.  So I listened to this song, thinking about my personal journey and my life, and decided to make that shift.

So how do you shift your perspective?  Do you think about people who have it worse than you?  Do you pray?  Do you meditate on your blessings?  There are many ways to do it, and of course you should choose the one that is right for you.  I personally like to do a mix of these things.  I find if I take a moment to actually stop and think about my life and the good things in it, the problems I'm upset about tend to become very small.  I find if I take a moment to do something nice for someone in need, it helps me (maybe even more than it helps them) because I gain a new perspective. 

What is your perspective on perspectives?  (See what I did there?)

Poop Happens

There's a saying I've heard most of my life.  I'll make it more family friendly by saying "poop happens."  You've probably used the phrase or something similar in your own life.  It usually doesn't mean literal poop.

Unless you're the mother of a potty-training toddler and an infant.  If you are, that phrase takes on a whole new meaning.

The Gargantuan Toddler (aka Nathan) had a day without any accidents the day before The Incident. Our potty training method seems to finally be working.  (If you want to know our method, it is very complicated.  He gets a sucker for going teetee and a piece of chocolate for going poopoo.  Don't try to point out the irony of using chocolate for poop - he's two and doesn't understand.  He just knows he likes chocolate.)  Not the best method, probably, but it is working for us.  When he wakes in the morning, I take off his diaper and put on "beebee wawawear" which is his way of saying "big boy underwear" and then he tells me when he needs to go throughout the day.  It's a pretty good system, and the accidents are fairly rare.  My mistake was allowing myself to relax.  NEVER relax, people.  Never.

So I'm feeding the baby a bottle and watching an episode of Gilmore girls while Nathan is playing with his train table.  He suddenly jumps up and runs out of the room.  This would ordinarily seems suspicious, but my kid is extremely unpredictable and hardly ever has a reason for doing abrupt things.  So I was a little curious but didn't worry.  He was gone for several minutes.  I called out to him, asking if he was okay, and he answered "I'm okay," so I assumed everything was fine.

After a few more minutes, when he didn't return, my curiosity turned into fear.  What was he doing?  Why was he quiet?  So I put the bottle down, got up, and started down the hallway.  I saw him in the shadows, holding out his hands.  He was naked.

He said "Mommy," weakly, as if he was afraid to say the words.  The dogs rushed past me into his bedroom and I knew.  I knew something was wrong.  And then the smell hit my nostrils like a fist.  I got close enough to see his outstretched hands and yes, my worst suspicions were confirmed.

Poop.  Everywhere.  I shouted "Don't touch anything" and ran past him into his bedroom.  His carpeted bedroom.  And then I found the dogs.  I don't even want to tell you what they did - I will just say I didn't have much to clean up at that point.  I choked back my own vomit for a moment, and somehow managed to get Nathan cleaned up.  I also put the dogs out in case they got sick after their snack.  I really, really didn't want to have to clean that up.  Ugh.

So after cleaning him up as much as I could, I got him into the bathtub and let him play around a little, just to make sure he got very, very clean.  I also scrubbed his hands to get everything out from under his fingernails.

When I finally got him settled in the bathtub, I went to get the baby.  When had I put him down?  I didn't remember, but he was safe on Nathan's unsoiled bed.  I picked him up and he immediately became redfaced and gave that telltale grunt.

"No way," I thought to myself.  "Et tu, baby?"

I guess it's true what they say.  Poop happens. 

Shadow Boxes for Baby

I'll never have a completed baby book for either of my boys.  I tried with Nathan, but it just didn't happen.  I plan to keep a memory box for each of them with special items from their childhoods, but that's probably the best I can do.  It's sad, because I always thought doing the baby book would be the most fun activity - but I have found my priorities are different and I just haven't made the time to do them.  Plus, it's a LOT of information to find and fill out!  I mean, who knows the price of milk when their baby is born? 

One of the projects I did want to do, though, was this shadow box.  The onesies were gifts from their grandmother, and I picked other small items to include from their birth of just after.  So, here's how I did it. 

Frames
They came from Hobby Lobby.  I kept an eye on the sales until I found them 50% off, so I was able to buy them for cheap.  :)

Background
I really struggled to figure out just the right background for these.  In fact, Nathan's had black felt as a background for two years, but I never really felt right about it.  So, when I got ready to do one for Nicholas, I pulled Nathan's down and revamped it.  I'm completely happy with the result.  I decided to go with a receiving blanket for each one as a background.  I would love to tell you it was the blanket they were brought home in or something special like that, but it wasn't.  I just picked a blanket that I thought would look best with the items I had in mind for the box.  For Nathan's I chose a blue one with white elephants on it because the print on his onesie was blue.  For Nicholas, I didn't have a green receiving blanket, but I did have a great white one with beige dots that I think works well with the other colors.  I cut the blankets to fit the backing exactly and then attached them using double sided tape. 

Items
For each boy, I used their birth announcement, a diaper out of their first pack from the hospital, their first pacifier, a tiny baby hat, and a photo of us.  I had a little extra room in Nathan's, so I put in a photo of just him in the hospital.  The hospital gave us the cute button with his footprint on it.  I wish the hospital we used for Nicholas had done that, but they didn't.  They did, however, have little old ladies who crocheted hats for all the newborns, so I included that.  It wasn't the first hat he wore, but it was one of the first. 

Placement
Honestly, it was all about how to fit everything in without it looking too cluttered.  Using the larger birth announcement for Nicholas really took up a lot of room and I may eventually pull it down and substitute one of the small ones instead.  I used straight pins to pin each item to the backing.  Be careful not to push the pin all the way through, or you will have a nightmare on the back of your frame.  Your fingers will thank you for keeping it angled and shallow!

Hanging
I hung them on the same wall, side by side, with a decorative wreath that we were given when Nathan was born between them.  I may move them later, but I liked having them on the same wall, beside each other, so I can look at them together. 

Some Tips

• Don't put too much in there!  I know you want to preserve every little memory and item, but remember that this is a display and if you cram every little thing in there, you won't be able to see much.  Pick the most important pieces and do something else with the rest.
• Choose a good background.  I love the idea of using receiving blankets, or even those striped blankets from the hospital.  We had a million little blankets, so it was easy to find and cut two.
• Do include a special onesie or outfit.  Remember that you will forget how tiny they were.  If you use the outfit you took them home in or something that they wore during their first week of life, it helps you remember just how small they were.  I love these little onesies with all the stats.  You can find lots of vendors on Etsy who do them, or go with someone local the way my mother in law did.  
• Do include a diaper.  I know it sounds gross, but putting a diaper from their first package is such an amazing way to show how little they were and how much they have grown up.  I look at that tiny diaper that Nathan wore and I think, "no way did he ever wear that."  But he did.  And it was actually too big for him at the time.  
• Do include a birth announcement.  If you had them made.  Or a photo of the baby if you didn't do birth announcements.  
• Have fun with it!