Thursday, February 22, 2007

My Dark Day

On an episode of Gilmore Girls, Luke experienced his "dark day." It was a day that he wanted to withdraw from everyone and just be by himself. His dark day was the day his father died. Mine is the day that would be my anniversary. Mine is today. Ten years ago today, I got married. Every year since my divorce 8 years ago, I have remembered that day on this day, and have wondered what my life would be like if I had made a different choice. Usually, I don't even realize it is The Day until it is almost over. That's what happened today. I was sitting in my office, reading emails, and I looked at the date stamp on the email I had just sent. I got a little jolt when I realized what day it was, and of course, that sent me into that moment of silent reflection. What if I had turned around and walked away, rather than walking down the aisle? Would things be different? I think they would be. Would things be better? I have no way of knowing that. Being a writer, I can't help imagining what my life would have been like in different circumstances.

For instance, if I had called everything off, I never would have quit school to put him through. I would have graduated much sooner, but possibly with the wrong degree. At that point, I was still studying music. Would that have offered the career satisfaction I have now? Or, on the other hand, if things had worked out and we had stayed together (impossible, but for the purposes of this exercise, what if...) If we had been happy, I would probably be a mother by now, probably more than once. I would most likely be doing medical transcription and suffering from carpal tunnel and all kinds of back and neck problems. I definately wouldn't have career satisfaction, but would being a wife and mother be enough? (I actually don't think so, and I know that would cause problems) So I guess things worked out the way they were supposed to work out. Yes, I'm single and sometimes I wish I had someone in my life, but I know he wasn't the right someone and I also know that I had to do a lot of growing up before I could be in a real relationship. We were "playing marriage," and while there were fun times, we were nowhere near ready for those kinds of responsibilities. But even though I'm single and often feel lonely, I'm still very happy with the way my life has turned out. And that's what's important.

I always come to this conclusion on my "dark day," but I think it's important to go through the moment of reflection that I go through every year. It helps me remember where I came from, which is important when I'm trying to figure out where I'm going.

I did some writing today. I worked on the short story I was talking about, and did a couple of pages on After the Storm. I wrote lots of letters (about 20 total) last night and sent them off today, so I'm caught up with that for now, which is good because I was a little behind this week, and I took on a few extra soldiers from the TLC forum. So now that I'm finished with that, I'm going to spend the weekend working on Under the Magnolia Tree and possibly Deadly Council.

Another weekend project is going to be more challenging. I have to get a new video graphics card for my computer. Advice is welcome! I have no idea what I'm doing in this arena. My computer is almost 2 years old now, and it's time for an upgrade, so I decided to use a little of my tax refund to get a new video card and some RAM. I'd rather get a new machine, but they are just too expensive and I'm happy with it except for those things. I can't imagine having to reinstall all my programs on another computer, so I'm going to hang on to this one as long as I can!

I've been sick for almost a week now. It appears that my best friend and I might have been the victims of undercooked chicken at a restaurant we went to Saturday night after the Mardi Gras parade. We've both been sick. Even today, I was queasy and couldn't eat lunch. I haven't been eating very much at all since Saturday, and yesterday I weighed myself and found I had lost 5 pounds! Not really the way I wanted to do it, though... I hope I feel better by the weekend, because Rhea and I are going to see a movie on Saturday and I want to write for several hours on Saturday and Sunday. Those activities are much nicer when you aren't feeling queasy.

Work is going well. It's been hectic for the last few days because my boss is taking a political trip next week, but all the appointments have been made and the information packets are almost finished, so the job is almost done. I usually go on these trips too, but they decided I needed to stay at the office this year. I'm okay with that, though. After being sick, the last thing I want to do is fly all day. I'll have several nice, quiet days at work to finish three grants that I'm working on, which is great!

I know I promised a recap of my LA trip, and I haven't forgotten. I will do it at some point. But right now, I'm tired and it's time for bed.

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