Dear Nathan (19 months old)

Dear Nathan,

Goodness you are getting big!  And you are completely amazing, as usual.  Funny story from this month.  You became obsessed with playing with my wallet.  So I got a new one, filled the old one with expired driver's licenses, old insurance cards, and dummy credit cards from mail offers. I put it in my purse and let you take it out. You played with it for a loooong time with a super mischievous look on your face - like you got away with something.  It was seriously the cutest thing.  

We got you a bubble mower and you LOVE mowing the lawn with Daddy.  You'll be in the yard with him, close to the house while he is close to the street, pushing your mower right along with him.  You also pulled it around with you quite a bit the last time you used it.  So much fun.  :)  

Every day, you grow and change.  It's amazing to watch.  We love you, little man.

All my love,

Mommy

The end of treatment

We are not going back to the doctor.  I know it seems crazy to stop after only one month, but it's the decision we have made and I believe it was the right one.  There are a few reasons for this.

1. Bedside manner. He did not keep me informed about things I needed or wanted to know, such as my progesterone level after my very first blood test - I didn't know that until after I asked several times. And even then, he said it was 5 on cycle day 25, which indicated my ovulating was "lousy." When I asked for more detail, he didn't give it to me. And then he gave me some really basic details about how everything works in a really condescending tone, as if I hadn't done any research and didn't realize how pregnancy occurs.  AND when he asked me about my c-section, he interrupted me two seconds into my answer and then never came back to it.

2. He really made me angry by telling me how old I was repeatedly in what I believe was a high-pressure tactic designed to get me to do IUI on the first cycle of Clomid, 

3. The treatment was too much pressure for us and was affecting our relationship 

4. The expense of it is just way too high. 

5. The treatment and monitoring was awful.  Medication side effects, transvaginal ultrasounds twice a month, the pain those caused... I don't want it badly enough to put myself through all that right now.  I may change my mind one day, and I still have a few years before this is a dire situation, so for now I'm saying "that's enough."

6. We already have a child and don't need to struggle for another one. So we decided that if it happens, it happens and if it doesn't, we have a beautiful sweet boy and our family is complete.

So even though the sun is setting on this phase of our lives, I am hopeful.  Hopeful that things will work out they way they are supposed to, not the way I try to force them to.  I've decided to give the entire situation to God and say "if you want us to have another child, you're going to have to make that happen," and for now, I'm going to enjoy life and focus on what matters to me right now.  The family I have.  The son I love - who is quite enough to deal with at the moment anyway!

Positive OPK! Yay!

Yes, this is a positive!  So I should ovulate either tomorrow or the next day!  I've never had such a dark positive before.  So all the times I thought I was ovulating, I guess I really wasn't.  The doctor did say my progesterone last cycle was 5 on CD 25 of my last cycle, which is, as he put it, "lousy."  So there's that.  But look at this test!  The top one is from yesterday and the bottom one is from this afternoon.  There can be no doubt about this result.  I'm super excited to see this.  It means something is going right after all.  :)

Follicles, CM, and Ovulation - Oh My! (CD 15)

Appointment this morning sucked.  He found two follicles, one was 14 and one was 16. He said they were not as big as he would like, so he wants to look at them again tomorrow. But the big problem was the CM. He looked at it under a microscope and said the sperm were just sitting there, not able to move at all. It's too thick. And at this point, he said there isn't really anything we can do to make it thin enough to make it count for this cycle, as I should ovulate really soon. He wants to do an IUI. - in two days. I'm going to be honest - I'm having a panic attack about this. We were going to do three medicated cycles before talking about any kind of procedure, and now I'm scared to do that because he said time was not on our side.

And add to that the fact that he said my left ovary is actually stuck under my uterus. He had a really hard time finding it on ultrasound because it wasn't where it was supposed to be. Scar tissue from the c-section, probably.

It is difficult for me to explain just how much I hate this.  The ultrasound was very painful, for some reason.  Probably because he was searching in there for the missing ovary for such a long time.  He asked me a question about my c-section (whether or not it was rushed) and then cut me off before I could answer him.  We never got back to that subject.  I'm beginning to feel like maybe this is not the doctor for us.  Another thing is, he kept doing the ultrasound when the nurse left the room to prepare the slide of CM so he could check out the sperm.  I was very uncomfortable with it just being me and him in the room without anyone else there.

Rather than going straight for IUI without any preparation time, we have decided to wait and see if anything happens this cycle.  I did a bunch of research and found that drinking lots of water, avoiding dairy and limiting caffeine can help thin CM, so I did that all day and it really did seem to help!  I'm not putting a huge amount of faith in this cycle, but I'm not giving up hope yet either.

This afternoon, I had a faint line on my OPK.  I'm hoping this means I'll have a very good line by tomorrow.  If I can get a positive result tomorrow, that means I'll ovulate either Wednesday or Thursday.  That gives me a few more days to hopefully sort out the CM problem.

So not the best appointment and I'm still a little iffy about this doctor because of it, but there's still hope.  There were two good follicles and a few more that were too small - that means the Clomid did work.  Now it's up to timing and God.  Please, God - let this happen so that I don't have to go through any more of this.  

Dear Nathan (18 months old)

Dear Nathan,

You gave us a scare this month with the head CT and all the nervousness and fear that went with it!  But all was well in the end and you are just going to have a big head like your daddy.  :)  I'm so sorry we had to put you through that.  I know it had to be scary for you too, and I never want you to be scared or worried or sad.

You continue to be the sweetest and most amazing child in the history of the world.  Not that I'm biased or anything.  One sweet moment from this month - you started reaching up and twirling a lock of my hair around your finger as you were going to sleep.  It is truly the sweetest thing.

Your eyes haven't changed color yet - I'm thinking they are probably not going to.  Either way I would have been happy, but it's nice to know those gorgeous blues will be with us at least for awhile longer, if not forever.  You are still growing and developing exactly as you should.

Daddy and I love you very much.

With all my heart,
Mommy

Clomid Cycle #1

It's my first cycle of Clomid.  I have two days left to take it.  2 out of 5.  I hope it is working.  The Metformin still isn't giving me any terrible side effects, thank God.  I have had a few odd side effects from the Clomid (hot flashes and being very emotional for no reason once) but other than that it has been okay.  I guess side effects are good - maybe they mean the medicine is working?  Fingers crossed for a good, strong ovulation this month!  :)

We're only doing three cycles this way.  If I'm ovulating using the medication and am still not pregnant at the end of three cycles, we are going to "look into other options."  For us, that pretty much means we are finished.  There is no way we can afford any of the other options.  :(  So you can see that there is a lot hinging on these next three months.

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