Dear Nathan (Two Years Old)

First time holding you.  You were only a few hours old.

Dear Nathan,

Happy Birthday, little love!  It's hard to believe you are actually two years old today.  I remember the day you were born like it was yesterday.  It will always be one of the happiest, one of the scariest, and one of the saddest days of my life.  Let me explain.

You were three weeks early.  We went to the doctor for a routine visit and they did an ultrasound to see how you were doing.  They discovered the amniotic fluid was dangerously low and that you would be in trouble if we let you stay inside me much longer.  We were told to take an hour to do what we needed to do and then get to the hospital.  Scary.  So scary that we didn't even tell anyone where we were going, except our parents and our employers.  I may have texted a friend or two, but nobody else knew.  We just wanted to make sure you were going to be okay before we had a bunch of people joining us at the hospital.  So we checked in and spent the night with an induction scheduled for the next day.  Unbeknownst to me, a good friend was also checking into the hospital for something far more serious.

The induction started in the morning and a couple of hours into labor, your dad discovered that our friend Nicole was diagnosed with cancer that very day.  He didn't tell me, because he was afraid I would get too upset.  I would find out later via an email that another friend sent to a group of us, letting us know in case we hadn't found out.  They still didn't know we were in the hospital too, but that was okay, since her diagnosis was so much more serious than mine and everyone needed to focus on her at that time.

11 hours after they induced, it was decided that we would do a c-section.  Your dad got into some scrubs and they got me ready for surgery.  You were born shortly after, and the first thing I saw was your hair.  They took you away pretty quickly, because you had fluid in your lungs and they wanted to fix that as soon as possible, so it was another two hours before I could see you again.  I got about 3 seconds with you and then had to wait 2 hours.  Those hours were long and brutal for me.  The waiting was the worst.

But then, they brought you to me and I held you in my arms and it was a feeling like no other.  One of the happiest moments of my life.  You were perfect.  The lung issue had resolved and you looked up at me with those gorgeous blue eyes and I knew you were so special and so amazing.

And I was right.  Because you are special and amazing.  Being your Mommy has been the most rewarding and amazing thing I've ever done.  My greatest role.  I'm not a perfect mother by any means, but I love you and I am in awe of you and I think that counts for a lot.  Even if I sometimes raise my voice when I'm frustrated or upset with something you did.

In your room a day before your birthday.

You have grown from a tiny baby into what I like to call a Gargantuan Toddler.  From a little infant to this small person who has desires, opinions, and sometimes demands.  You have preferences for food and entertainment.  You love your dogs and your family.  You think your dad is hilarious.  You run to me when you are hurt or when you just need to cry about something.  You are so smart and so fun to be with.

Last night, you kept trying to get one of the dogs to play with you.  It didn't look like you cared which one, as long as one of them did.  Unfortunately, they were not interested.  You ran into the living room, touched each one, then ran out.  Several times you tried this method and it never worked.  Then you spotted a toy that one of them had been playing with on the floor.  You nonchalantly walked up to it, making sure they didn't see you moving closer and closer.  You grabbed it off the floor, waved it in Kaylee's face, and ran down the hallway.  That got her attention, so she ran after you.  I've never heard such a loud and gleeful belly laugh in my entire life.  It struck me that you identified a problem, figured out a theory to solve the problem, and then experimented to see if your theory would work.  And it did.  It blows my mind that the tiny baby they pulled from my body two years ago could apply this kind of problem solving method only two years later.  You've come a long way, baby!  And you will continue to come a long way.  You will continue to grow and learn and become whoever it is you are going to become.  And I will continue to be in awe of you, and to love you more than my own life.  And I will be so proud to see the man you will be someday.  Watch your father for a great example.  And your grandpa.  Let those men be your guide for how you should grow up - with integrity and compassion and just enough crazy to make you an interesting person.

Mommy and Nicole

And now, for the reason why the day you were born will always be one of the saddest days for me.  Our friend who was diagnosed with cancer that day passed away last week.  She very nearly made it two years past her diagnosis.  I'm sure you have noticed that Mommy has been sad lately, and that's why.  I'm so glad you got a chance to meet Ms Nicole, and I plan to tell you and your brother all about her as much as I can, because she had a profound influence on my life and I want that influence to extend to you and to your brother.  You know how you are named after your dad and your Nana's family?  Nicolas is named after Nicole and your grandpa.  It was important to us that both of you had names that meant something to us.

I hope you are happy with your life so far.  If I had to guess, I would say you are.  You always seem to be very happy unless something is wrong - or you are not getting your way!  And even as you grow and even when you become an adult, just know that you will always be my baby.  And you can always run to me when you are hurt or when you just need to cry about something.

All my love,

Mommy