Journal Topic: Attractiveness

How attractive are you?

I never thought I was very attractive.  Even when I was in high school and the thinnest I have ever been (a size 8 at one point) I thought I was fat and never thought I was very pretty.  I would look at the other girls in my class and wonder what their lives were like because they were so pretty and thin.  I knew I was a good person with a lot of talent and was happy that I was smart, but always wanted to be prettier.

As I became an adult, I realized how unimportant it was to be "attractive" in the physical sense.  The guys who looked only at the outside of a woman were not the kind of guys I wanted to be with anyway.  I wanted someone who would look inside and realize what a beautiful person I was there, rather than on the surface.  I wished so much for it.  But it never seemed to come to me.  After joining the wonderful family at Theatre 98 and finding my place on stage again, I started feeling more attractive.  This was one place where my talent was appreciated and where I could get all dressed up and be pretty on stage - there were several roles where I was chased (literally and figuratively) by men on stage.  This helped me feel better about my outside appearance, but I still didn't have a lot of confidence in my outward beauty.  I didn't really care that much about it, to be honest.  It didn't matter at that point whether I was attractive or not, as long as I was smart, talented, and had great friends and family.

Until I met Jon.  Even if he never said I was pretty (which he does quite often) I would still feel pretty.  Even though I currently weigh more than I have ever weighed and there are sometimes dark circles under my eyes from lack of sleep (wedding planning... ugh) I still feel more beautiful than I ever have.  I feel so loved and accepted and appreciated.  It's nice to finally feel that way.  And even though I know it's not as important as the deeper attractiveness, it's still nice to know that someone thinks I'm beautiful.