Church shopping - Week #1

We visited the Mobile campus of Bay Community Church this morning.  It's a nondenominational contemporary church.  They were so friendly when we walked in - greeting us and ushering us over to the special visitor's area, where we filled out some information and were given a gift.  It's actually a pretty nice gift - a logo travel mug.  I plan to use it at work for water.

The service was good.  Worship was lively but the music was a bit loud.  Praise and worship songs, most likely by Hillsong United (which I love) and some nice interludes of quiet and loud music and moments.  And then it was time for the sermon.  It was simulcast from the main campus.  This is the thing that turned me off.  I don't really like watching a sermon on TV.  I want the person to be right there so my feedback means something.

We will probably not go back.  Not because we didn't enjoy it, but because it's just not what we are looking for in a church. Jon was a little uncomfortable, I think, with the somewhat unconventional worship.

Next week, we are going to try a more traditional church and see how it feels to us.  It's actually kind of fun visiting and seeing how we like different places!

the right path

I've discovered something in the last month or so. Even when you are desperately seeking to know God's will about something, it's entirely possible that He doesn't want to let you in on the ultimate plan. I'm finding this particular discovery a bit frustrating at the moment, I won't lie! I have some choices to make.

Whenever I need to make a decision in my life, even one that seems insignificant, my mind goes back to decisions I've made in the past that did not end well. I think of my marriage, I think of my behavior in school the first time around, and I think of financial decisions that were not the best. This usually reminds me that decisions I make have lasting consequences and that I need to choose carefully. Sometimes it cripples me with fear. Sometimes it makes me think that this seemingly insignificant choice is the one that will destroy my life. That's when it gets scary for me.

But the truth is, I've made bad choices in the past - we all have - and I have to learn from those mistakes and move on. I know that the future God has for me is a million times better than any that I could dream up for myself. I know that if I just let Him drive, we will reach the proper destination. But I can't stop myself from backseat driving. I can't stop myself from reaching for the phone and sending a text message I know I shouldn't send, or doing things I know I shouldn't do. I totally understand Paul when he says:

Romans 7:13-20 (New Century Version)
13 Does this mean that something that is good brought death to me? No! Sin used something that is good to bring death to me. This happened so that I could see what sin is really like; the command was used to show that sin is very evil.

The War Within Us
14 We know that the law is spiritual, but I am not spiritual since sin rules me as if I were its slave.15 I do not understand the things I do. I do not do what I want to do, and I do the things I hate.16 And if I do not want to do the hated things I do, that means I agree that the law is good.17 But I am not really the one who is doing these hated things; it is sin living in me that does them.18 Yes, I know that nothing good lives in me—I mean nothing good lives in the part of me that is earthly and sinful. I want to do the things that are good, but I do not do them.19 I do not do the good things I want to do, but I do the bad things I do not want to do.20 So if I do things I do not want to do, then I am not the one doing them. It is sin living in me that does those things.

And so that is what I'm dealing with right now. Especially the part that talks about not understanding the things I'm doing and doing the things I hate. It's so hard sometimes. I often find myself just crying out to God for some peace in this storm of my life and hoping for a little wisdom and a little happiness to block out the rain. I get this happiness sometimes. When I'm onstage, for instance. When I can live a life that is not my own, I am happy with it. When I can throw myself into another person (whether that is a character or a relationship or whatever) I can block out the storm a little. What I really need to do is just keep throwing myself into my relationship with God. I know this, and yet I fall on my face so often because I can't seem to wait for His guidance on what path to take. It's like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff and can barely see the cliff on the other side of the massive abyss. There's a rope bridge but I can't see it. God is guiding me toward the bridge, but I'm trying to go my own way and step right off the edge. Even though I know my way will lead to dispair and possibly death, I still try to do it my way. Just because I have trouble trusting that the bridge is there and that it is the best way across.

I wish my life wasn't always at a crossroads. I wish I could find the right path and take it. I'm ready for the path to be straight for awhile, and I'm ready for it to be very clear which direction to take. I'm not sure what the point of this post was, but I'm going to submit it. Maybe by sending it out there into cyberspace, something good will come of it.

Spiritual Guidance

So I've been going through kind of a rough time lately. Lots of decisions to make, lots of things to figure out. I know the only way I can get through everything is to get back to my spiritual walk. So I've been praying a lot lately, and reading the Bible more. Every night, in fact. I've started keeping a journal to really keep me accountable and to keep a record of the insights I receive. It's been pretty amazing. I started reading the Bible from the beginning but am using the Max Lucado Inspirational Study Bible. It's an incredible resource, with Life Lessons that go with each chapter and a Life Application at the end that challenges readers to take some kind of action based on the lesson in the verses they just read. The applications are so amazing. They have really helped me think about what's important they have really grounded me as a person.

a spiritual journey

I've embarked on a spiritual journey recently and I'm really looking forward to seeing where it takes me.  I've started going to a new church and it's amazing.  I've gone to service about four times now, and this Sunday I'm taking my nephews and niece, and hopefully my sister will come too.  Sunday night I'll go to small group for the first time.  I'm looking forward to seeing what the small group is like.

I've also been doing a new devotional study called Walking With Frodo , which is a really neat study of the biblical lessons of Lord of the Rings.  I just started it a couple of nights ago, but I'm already really interested in the insights in the study and the thoughts it provokes.

Aside from all that, I'm just really paying more attention to how I conduct my everyday life.  It's one thing to be a Christian at church and another to be one all the time.  I'm working on practicing the truest form of Christianity - one that calls people to love everyone no matter what and to seek out those who need a friend.  If I can make a difference in one life because of the love I share, it will all be worth it.

Stepping Out

Knitting
I'm working on a new project. I have to stop doing this - I see a pattern that I love and I immediately start on it without finishing the one I was trying to finish! I guess it's a good way to keep from getting bored, but it's also a way to ensure I'll never finish the ones I'm trying to finish! It's a good thing I don't approach work projects this way! Anyway, here's what I'm working on right now. It's the Branching Out scarf, and I have crazy love for the pattern. Can you spot the place where I got off the line I was supposed to be reading in the pattern? It looks a little wrong in one place, but I still think it's pretty!

Blogging
Finally got the new Internet connection to work correctly. It was on my end, the cable from the main connection to the modem was too long and the Internet kept dropping out at random intervals and not coming back until it felt like it. It was frustrating, but now that the problem has been solved, I should be able to post regularly again. Thank goodness, because I was really getting annoyed with the spotty connection.

Writing
I posted some ads on Craigslist for my grant writing services yesterday. Speaking of grant writing, I also taught a class on it Thursday as part of my job and at the end I gave my information and told the people if they needed someone to write for them to contact me for a meeting. Several people came to talk to me after the class, letting me know that they would be in touch. I've been working on a couple of short stories and some other smaller projects. I tried poetry again, but it just didn't work out. I was inspired to write a poem while walking on a nature trail on New Year's Day with my parents. My dad went ahead to take pictures of birds and my mother and I walked together along the trail. We came to a fork in the trail and I started quoting "The Road Not Taken," then moved on to some Walt Whitman selections that I thought were appropriate. My mother said she wanted to start reading poetry more, that she always enjoyed it but didn't have a book of poetry or anything, so I brought her my Anthology of American Verse the next day. I haven't asked if she's been reading it, but I'm sure she has. But anyway, since that day, I've wanted to write a poem, but I just can't make it happen.

Work

I have five more weeks in my current position, which means five weeks to find something new. I've sent my resume to an average of one job per day for the last couple of weeks, so there are some prospects out there. There are a couple of opportunities that I prefer over the others, but I'll be happy with any of them.

Faith

I've come to the conclusion that no matter what happens, I've remained true to my ethics and faith, and that's what counts in the end. I've been listening to the Old Testament while driving to and from work for the last several weeks. I've discovered something that I never thought about before, even though I've heard the stories all my life. There is always a moment in the lives of God's children when he asks them to step out in faith. When the incident happened at work and I went back to my desk to think about what I was going to do, the words "step out in faith" came into my mind. I'm usually so responsible... always want to have my ducks in a row before stepping out to do anything. This time, I didn't. I felt it was important to step and see what happened next. I find myself praying a lot lately about the future and what is going to happen in the next five weeks. Although it is less about the money and more about me being happy, I do need to make a certain amount to continue paying my bills. I keep having these moments of panic, thinking I won't find a job within the time allotted and will have to figure something out. It is in these moments that I have to stop and pray. It's always worked for me before, so I can't - no, I won't - stop believing in it now. And if something doesn't come up within the next five weeks, I have to believe there is a reason for it.

Hope

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

Psalm 43:5

This verse comes at a good time for me. With everything that is going on, I'm trying to keep a sense of hope and peace in my life. When I feel pressure to be perfect, when my family is facing trouble, and when I am unsure about the future, I fight against becoming downcast because I'm a positive person who likes to look on the bright side of things. Do you know how I do that? By focusing on God, and by letting Him love me. I get my strength from His peace, hope, and love.

what God sees

"The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7

I'm reading a book called "Knight in Shining Armor." It's about finding and developing a Christian relationship. I think it has some very valuable advice, such as the section that goes along with the above verse. I've never been hung up on outward appearance, mainly because I've always considered myself average looking. I also tend to be attracted to average looking guys who have exceptional character, or who seem to have exceptional character... lol. I guess I'm a bad judge of character. But anyway, it was good advice. Maybe more guys should read it and stop looking at the "hot" bimbos that will only use them for their money and then drop them like hot cakes. Do I sound bitter? I'm really not. I just think it's sad that a person who has so much to offer can't give it to someone special because she's not the ideal. It gets me down sometimes, that's all.

But I'm not giving up. I'm not desperate for a relationship, as I said in a previous post, but I would like to find the right person one day. For now, I'll just keep praying and living my life the way I know I should live. If it happens, it happens... right?

trust

Trust the Lord with all your heart, and don't depend on your own understanding. Remember the Lord in all you do, and he will give you success. Proverbs 3:5-6

This was my verse tonight, and it came at the right time. There are many things in this world that I do not understand, many things I wish I understood. Sometimes I question why things happen. I think it's okay to question, but ultimately I have to trust Him. After all, He knows better than I what to do about the state of the world.

Faith

I've been thinking alot about faith lately. I've never been satisfied with my level of commitment, or with my relationship with God. This is something I plan to work on a lot in the coming months. I think it's vital to have a spiritual life, a connection with something bigger than ourselves. Whether that is God or something else really depends on the person and their individual beliefs, but for me, it's God. And for me, it's more about the relationship than the religion. Here is a verse that spoke to me today. It's the perfect way to start this journey, as it tells about the results of being more spiritual.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23

Lead of Love

This sort of goes with the last post, but I thought it deserved its own. I thought I had posted it long ago, but it looks like I didn't. I searched for it and couldn't find it, so if I did post it, I'm sorry. I think I may have sent it in an email to someone and just thought I posted it here. But anyway, here's the song that I feel defines my life. It really defines how I'm feeling right now and how I've always felt when I look back on my life, whether I'm looking back on the last five years or the last five days. It's something that I return to, something that gives me strength.

Lead of Love
Caedmon's Call

Looking back at the road so far
The journey's left its share of scars
Mostly from leaving the narrow and straight
Looking back it is clear to me
That a man is more than the sum of his deeds
And how You've made good of this mess I've made
Is a profound mystery

Looking back You know You had to bring me through
All that I was so afraid of
Though I questioned the sky, now I see why
Had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view
Looking back I see the lead of love

Looking back I can finally see (I'd rather have wisdom)
How failures bring humility (than be)
Brings me to my knees (a comfortable fool)
Helps me see my need for Thee

Looking back You know You had to bring me through
All that I was so afraid of
Though I questioned the sky, now I see why
Had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view
Looking back I see the lead of love

Peace, Joy, and Hope

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. Romans 5:1-5

I came across this verse tonight when I was having my quiet time, something I've neglected lately and am really trying start doing regularly again. It was just what I needed at the perfect time. That's one of my favorite things about spiritual meditation. I usually get just the guidance I need when I need it, if I'm really open to hearing what God has to say. I know this verse, have read it many times, but for some reason it resonates a lot with me right now. You see, I've been thinking a lot about peace, hope and joy. I can never rejoice in suffering when I try to do it myself. I have to ask for God's help. And He helps me. I know that sounds a little simplistic, but that's just the way it works for me. So tonight I decided to ask for help again. No circumstances should ever steal my joy. And I love the part about suffering producting endurance, endurance producing character and character producing hope. (kind of reminds me of the Yoda quote about fear leading to anger and anger leading to hate or whatever in Star Wars) But it's true. Certain things lead to other things, and I want my sufferings to end in hope. And I know they will, because they always do.

Stars

This song by Switchfoot totally describes how I'm feeling now.

Maybe I've been the problem
Maybe I'm the one to blame
But even when I turn it off and blame myself
The outcome feels the same
I've been thinking maybe I've been partly cloudy
Maybe I'm the chance of rain
And maybe I'm overcast
And maybe all my luck's washed down the drain
I've been thinking 'bout everyone,
Everyone you look so lonely
But when I look at the stars
When I look at the stars
When I look at the stars, I see someone else
When I look at the stars
The stars, I feel like myself

Stars looking at a planet
Watching entropy and pain
And maybe to start to wonder
How the chaos in our lives could pass as sane
I've been thinking 'bout the meaning of resistance
Of a hope beyond my own
And suddenly the infinite and penitent
Begin to look like home
I've been thinking about everyone
Everyone you look so empty
But when I look at the stars
When I look at the stars
When I look at the stars, I see someone else
When I look at the stars
The stars, I feel like myself.
Yeah!
Everyone, Everyone feels so lonely
Everyone, yeah everyone feels so empty
When I look at the stars
When I look at the stars
When I look at the stars, I feel like myself
When I look at the stars
The stars, I see someone...

"Lord turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted." Psalm 25:16

My devotion for this evening was called: "Lonely or Alone?"

David's psalms always speak to me. He cries out to God in such a real and tangible way. Sometimes I use his words to pray, simply because they say exactly what I'm feeling. It's ironic that my devotion ended up being about loneliness tonight because it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately.

I have friends, family, a church family, and many people I enjoy being around, but sometimes even in the midst of the crowd, I feel lonely. This devotional says that often single people feel ashamed of being lonely, but why should that be the case? Loneliness is perfectly normal. Even Jesus felt it during the last days of his life on Earth.

One thing I know for certain, I have never felt abandoned by God. He has always been there for me, even in my darkest times. So even though I feel lonely and even mildly depressed about my lack of a love life right now, I know that my Father is going to help see me through it. And maybe one day, when I am ready, my Father will send that special someone my way.