Monday, September 21, 2009

the right path

I've discovered something in the last month or so. Even when you are desperately seeking to know God's will about something, it's entirely possible that He doesn't want to let you in on the ultimate plan. I'm finding this particular discovery a bit frustrating at the moment, I won't lie! I have some choices to make.

Whenever I need to make a decision in my life, even one that seems insignificant, my mind goes back to decisions I've made in the past that did not end well. I think of my marriage, I think of my behavior in school the first time around, and I think of financial decisions that were not the best. This usually reminds me that decisions I make have lasting consequences and that I need to choose carefully. Sometimes it cripples me with fear. Sometimes it makes me think that this seemingly insignificant choice is the one that will destroy my life. That's when it gets scary for me.

But the truth is, I've made bad choices in the past - we all have - and I have to learn from those mistakes and move on. I know that the future God has for me is a million times better than any that I could dream up for myself. I know that if I just let Him drive, we will reach the proper destination. But I can't stop myself from backseat driving. I can't stop myself from reaching for the phone and sending a text message I know I shouldn't send, or doing things I know I shouldn't do. I totally understand Paul when he says:

Romans 7:13-20 (New Century Version)
13 Does this mean that something that is good brought death to me? No! Sin used something that is good to bring death to me. This happened so that I could see what sin is really like; the command was used to show that sin is very evil.

The War Within Us
14 We know that the law is spiritual, but I am not spiritual since sin rules me as if I were its slave.15 I do not understand the things I do. I do not do what I want to do, and I do the things I hate.16 And if I do not want to do the hated things I do, that means I agree that the law is good.17 But I am not really the one who is doing these hated things; it is sin living in me that does them.18 Yes, I know that nothing good lives in me—I mean nothing good lives in the part of me that is earthly and sinful. I want to do the things that are good, but I do not do them.19 I do not do the good things I want to do, but I do the bad things I do not want to do.20 So if I do things I do not want to do, then I am not the one doing them. It is sin living in me that does those things.

And so that is what I'm dealing with right now. Especially the part that talks about not understanding the things I'm doing and doing the things I hate. It's so hard sometimes. I often find myself just crying out to God for some peace in this storm of my life and hoping for a little wisdom and a little happiness to block out the rain. I get this happiness sometimes. When I'm onstage, for instance. When I can live a life that is not my own, I am happy with it. When I can throw myself into another person (whether that is a character or a relationship or whatever) I can block out the storm a little. What I really need to do is just keep throwing myself into my relationship with God. I know this, and yet I fall on my face so often because I can't seem to wait for His guidance on what path to take. It's like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff and can barely see the cliff on the other side of the massive abyss. There's a rope bridge but I can't see it. God is guiding me toward the bridge, but I'm trying to go my own way and step right off the edge. Even though I know my way will lead to dispair and possibly death, I still try to do it my way. Just because I have trouble trusting that the bridge is there and that it is the best way across.

I wish my life wasn't always at a crossroads. I wish I could find the right path and take it. I'm ready for the path to be straight for awhile, and I'm ready for it to be very clear which direction to take. I'm not sure what the point of this post was, but I'm going to submit it. Maybe by sending it out there into cyberspace, something good will come of it.

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